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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276125">Bonded</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover'>FallLover</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Veterinarians, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Background HankCon - Freeform, Child Neglect, Connor &amp; Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Depression, Elijah Kamski &amp; Gavin Reed are Siblings, Gavin is a veterinarian, Good Friend Tina Chen, Hank Anderson - Freeform, Harm to Animals, Human AU, M/M, Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), RK800 - Freeform, RK900 is an engineer, RK900's name is nathan, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety, Soulmates, Soulmates AU, Tina Chen &amp; Gavin Reed Friendship, the animal injury is only referenced</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:08:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,087</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276125</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where your animal Companion guides you to your soulmate, Nathan feels perfectly content without one, and Gavin thinks he'll never meet his. It all comes to a head one day at a park.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>171</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Reed900 Reverse Big Bang</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Bumping</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Story idea and beautiful art by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/_blue.dreamer_/">BlueDreamer</a>!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic deals with difficult themes, so please remember to take care of yourself! It has a happy ending, but it's a hard, sad road to get there. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Why don’t you go out today?” Connor asked over the phone as Nathan finished making lunch.</p><p>Nathan was alone in his apartment, which was spotless, as usual. Clifford, Nathan’s German Shepard Companion, was sitting on his dog bed by the hallway, with his head down.</p><p>“With who?” Nathan replied, stirring his spaghetti. “Did you miss the part where I don’t have any friends yet and work starts tomorrow?” And he <em>didn’t</em> have any friends here yet. He was grateful that Connor wanted to include him in everything, but… he didn’t much care to be a hanger on to someone else’s life.</p><p>New job, new life, but it had to be <em>his</em>.</p><p>“You’ve been inside that apartment too much,” Connor said.</p><p>Nathan grimaced. Maybe because he didn’t have any friends here, yet, and he didn’t just wander around aimlessly hoping to interact with random strangers.</p><p>Cliff wandered over and sat by Nathan’s chair, looking up at him balefully.</p><p>“You get your overpriced dog food, Cliff,” Nathan said, before taking a bite of his own food.</p><p>“Is Cliff whining?”</p><p>“No. He’s just <em>looking</em>. He knows it’s more convincing.”</p><p>“Take him out for a nice long walk, then, later. Somewhere new.”</p><p>Nathan sighed, “Fine.” If it was for Cliff, going outside was fine. Plus, it meant he could start getting used to the area.</p><p>“Oh, my break’s ending, I’ll call you later, okay?”</p><p>“All right.”</p><p>“Love you, Nines.”</p><p>“Love you, too, Con.” Nathan hung up the phone and ate his spaghetti while looking out the window. It was a nice day, at least. And Connor wasn’t bothering him about going on his stupid Soul Journey, at least. Connor had never really taken the hint on that.</p><p>Nathan got it – people waited what felt like <em>way</em> too long to go on their first Soul Journey to find their soulmates. Soul Journeys were the name given to the trip (or trips) where you let your Companion guide you to your soulmate, usually just by walking in a particular direction, depending on the distance. The journey to find your "other half". What you were "missing" in your clearly incomplete life. Connor had been on four such trips, with no luck.</p><p>And Nathan had never gone.</p><p>He looked down at his empty plate. A missing soulmate hadn’t been his problem before. It had been… <em>everything else</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“Have you even been outside longer than the time it takes you to walk to your car from work or the grocery store in the past year?”</em>
</p><p>Gavin tried not to glare at Rumor, his utterly adorable marbled tabby Companion. She was just enjoying her day, and she <em>wasn’t</em> what was bothering him. She clearly loved being out in the new pet park, exploring with her still somewhat new prosthetic rear legs, which looked bright white against her brown fur. It was six months since Elijah had fitted her with them, and she loved them. She’d been a bit wild running excitedly around the apartment in them, clearly aching for more area to explore, but Gavin had been nervous to take her outside. He was still afraid of losing her for <em>good</em> this time, somehow. But since he was off work anyway and had the ability to fully control the situation, he could fully commit to letting her have a bit more freedom.</p><p>Rumor looked <em>good</em>. Being in the grass didn’t seem to bother her movements at all, and she hadn’t whined even once. She moved as gracefully as an able-bodied cat.</p><p>He glanced at his phone. He’d been scrolling through messages from Tina and Chris and realizing that too many were <em>him</em> apologizing for work conflicts with whatever outings they wanted. Gavin only met Tina’s soulmate, Grace, three months after they’d starting dating. Grace had to come into work to visit Tina during her lunch break, and Gavin had happened to be there. Tina and Grace had met at long last on Tina's fifth Soul Journey, after she’d long opined about Chris’ happy engagement, and Gavin just… sat on it.</p><p>He’d gone to Chris’ wedding, of course, but even after the late afterparty, he’d headed back to work to do paperwork and cleaning, and just be there in case an emergency came in. He just didn’t want to be at his own place, alone, after Tina went back to her place with her soulmate.</p><p>Gavin watched Rumor sniffing a dandelion and wondered what it said about him that his best friend had to introduce her girlfriend to him during his lunch break, because he’d shot down the last four offers for meetups between their three schedules. That he hadn’t mingled with Chris’ other friends, had shied away from spending more time with Chris’ soulmate, Zoey… to the point Gavin thought was rudeness.</p><p>He knew it was jealousy, in part. But he was also at least intelligent enough to know he couldn’t let it cost him his only two friends.</p><p>He eventually asked both Tina and Chris – and their significant others – if they wanted to get a drink sometime. Or food. Tried to extend an olive branch. He knew it was awkward and random, but it was worth a shot.</p><p>They were all busy.</p><p>Which was normal.</p><p>Gavin didn’t ask again, though.</p><p>Gavin kept Rumor’s bag of stuff close as he followed her around the park, holding her leash securely around his wrist. She wasn’t moving too quickly, although she did occasionally dart to a new spot to smell or look at something. The park was empty enough this time of day that they didn’t get many people coming too close. Two dog walkers gave them a wide berth already, and Ru didn’t seem that bothered.</p><p>Gavin was annoyed with himself. He hadn’t been taking her out as much as she liked. She loved going on walks. His apartment was a third story place, with no garden, and a tiny balcony. He’d been thinking about maybe getting a house with a garden someday, of course, but it just… was a lot. When he got home from work, he’d make sure the cat sitter was okay, spend some time with Ru, usually playing with one of her toys, and then went to bed.</p><p>He’d been neglecting her. Like a dick.</p><p>He walked up to her and lightly scratched her ears. She rubbed at him before setting off again to smell a new patch of grass.</p><p>He hadn’t responded to Tina’s comments or texts about his birthday coming up. 37. Fucking hell.</p><p>He sighed. He wasn’t <em>entirely</em> not self-aware. The morning after he got home from the party Tina and Chris had thrown him last year – which was really just watching bad action movies in Tina’s place while getting trashed and eating pizza and falling asleep on the couch – he’d proceeded to cry himself to sleep because the sight of his empty bed was even more depressing as he neared 40.</p><p>And 37 was another year on top of 36. And it didn’t look like anything was going to change.</p><p>He tapped out a message to Tina: “I was thinking of Kyle again”. He’d promised to contact her if he ever thought about the fucking scumbag.</p><p>But he didn’t send it. Because he knew Tina would call him or something and he didn’t want to bug her about it.</p><p><em>“Which is why you send it to me anyway because your brain does this stupid thing where it thinks I don’t care about you,” </em>Tina had told him. Multiple times.</p><p>“It’s just 37,” Gavin sighed to himself. “It doesn’t mean anything.” He watched Rumor look up at a butterfly.</p><p>He thought he’d resigned himself to loneliness ages ago. He loved Ru, maybe too much. Even when she was more confident with her mobility carts – and that hadn’t taken long – he’d been too nervous about letting her wander too far. So he never went on his Soul Journey. It was a private event and involved basically standing somewhere and letting your Companion tell you where to go. They could be as intense as a months-long journeys across the world, or about as short as walking around a street corner. But Ru… he didn’t want to risk her. Plenty of people lost their Companions, even outside their Soul Journeys. He’d nearly been one of them. He wouldn’t risk it again.</p><p>So he’d resigned himself to things. He was never going to find his soulmate, if the person existed, on his own. Hopefully they'd find him. But of course, as the years ticked by, he wondered if that was ever really going to happen. A part of him wondered if his soulmate faced the same issues. They were each other's other halves, right? Then they'd never find each other.</p><p>He'd read the forums. He knew people found each other when they were older. But of course every year "lost" as it were, spent without a soulmate, was a year he would never have with them. A year of being alone in his bed, wondering if they'd meet when they were octogenarians and then have barely any time together and just die. Romantic, in its own way, but depressing, too. Not to mention seeing everyone around him get matched up was a depressing affair, as he felt like the odd one out.</p><p>He just tried to be patient and hope, like everyone said. Someday, they'll find you.</p><p>But what <em>if</em> they were waiting for Gavin to find <em>them</em>? What if they both spent the rest of their lives waiting for the other person to make the first move?</p><p>Thirty-fucking-seven. It wasn't <em>old</em>. It wasn't even a midlife crisis. But then again, at a certain point, <em>every</em> birthday felt like a midlife crisis for some reason. Tina was barely two years younger than he was, and Chris was slightly older than she was, but still younger than Gavin. For a while, they'd been the soulmate-less gang in their corner of the world, and Tina and Gavin had commiserated after Chris took his leave for the better shores of "I have a soulmate now".</p><p>But Tina had joined Chris, now, and Gavin was alone. And had been, for months. Neither of them rubbed it in, and were still encouraging to him. And it's not like finding your soulmate was <em>race</em>. But it... wasn't a great feeling. There were groups he could go to. He was in one for a while, and the people were nice, but Gavin just felt tense at them. It didn't help that everyone always had their Companions at those events and Gavin never brought Rumor. So Gavin stopped going to them.</p><p>Gavin wasn't patient, but in lieu of doing anything about his actual Soul Journey, he found a distraction: Kyle. Kyle wasn’t Gavin’s soulmate, but neither of them cared. Plenty of people didn’t end up with their soulmates, even if the person was still alive. Plenty of people were happy that way, too. Kyle was a living example – his soulmate was happily married to someone else and had no interest in being involved with him.</p><p>Gavin and Kyle were practically made for each other – the guy who had no soulmate and the guy whose soulmate refused him. And for a while, things were okay. The sex was fine. Kyle’s Companion hamster was decent, if ugly. Their schedules worked, mostly.</p><p>They fought a lot, though. More and more as the months passed. Tina said Kyle was intimidated by Gavin’s job and degrees and that was why Kyle lashed out like he did, aside from just being a douchebag generally.</p><p>
  <em>"Pure ego on top of being an asshole.”</em>
</p><p><em>“Well he’s attracted to </em>me<em>, isn’t he?”</em>, Gavin had said to Tina at the time, <em>“What’d we expect?”</em></p><p>And then Tina had <em>looked</em> at him and Gavin had known he’d said something wrong. Oversharing. Bad habit.</p><p>Kyle seemed to find every one of Gavin’s insecurities. He knew Gavin was afraid of being alone. And Kyle was always happy to lord over Gavin the fact that Kyle had a soulmate. Kyle had <em>someone</em> he could turn to if he needed. Gavin had no one. Heck, even if Kyle’s soulmate refused to see him, Kyle had four siblings, his parents, grandparents, and a huge family to lean on. And Gavin… didn’t have that, either. His father, Richard Kamski, had cheated on his wife with Gavin’s mother, Hannah Reed, and Hannah died when Gavin was four. Gavin ran away from Kamski’s house when he was 16 and hadn’t spoken to either his father or stepmother since. He had Elijah, his half-brother, but that was all, and Elijah already had <em>his</em> soulmate.</p><p>Gavin reminded himself that plenty of people never found soulmates. It was normal. After all, Companions <em>died</em> before their owners often enough.</p><p>But it wasn’t comforting. Particularly not when Tina had been happily dating and Chris was engaged and… and Gavin was very used to being alone.</p><p>People left Gavin behind. That’s just what they <em>did</em>.</p><p>So he’d clung to his relationship with Kyle. Despite Kyle’s dickishness. Despite Tina telling him she was worried about him. Despite Chris finding him crying in the bathroom twice. Despite sleeping at work sometimes because he didn’t want to go home.</p><p>Finally, Gavin had ended it. And now they were apart and Gavin was still alone.</p><p>Gavin sighed and realized Ru had wandered father away while he’d been lost in thought. He jumped forward to go after her. He felt a shock when he realized she was walking up to a dog—</p><p>“Ru! Rumor!”</p><p>The cat ignored him, and Gavin came to a halt a short distance away as she sniffed the dog. The dog didn’t attack her. Didn’t growl. Just watched her, thoughtfully, and even sniffed her back.</p><p>The dog was… well it was medium-sized. Some German Shepard mix. And still bigger than a cat. Bigger than Ru.</p><p>Gavin smiled at the dog and said, “Hey buddy, uh, don’t want to upset you or anything, but…” he reached out to take Rumor and carefully extracted her from the area.</p><p>“Cliff! Cliff you idiot—”</p><p>Gavin looked up to see a man running towards them. He came to a halt over by the dog, breathing hard. He looked over at Gavin.</p><p>
  
</p><p>For a moment, Gavin thought he was staring at Connor Stern, one of the vet techs that Gavin worked with, but then Gavin was startled to see some of the prettiest gray eyes he’d ever seen.</p><p>“Sorry, this idiot got out of his collar again. It’s his <em>sixth</em>.” Not-Connor clipped a collar and leash onto the dog. Cliff looked up at the man soulfully, but Not-Connor didn’t budge.</p><p>“You should be more careful,” Gavin said, anger getting into his voice. Ru had been in <em>danger</em>, and this fucker had just… not had a better leash on his dog. Everything he knew about animals went out the window. He tried not to crush Ru with his shaking. “It’s a shared park. If he’d… he could have hurt someone.”</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center"></div><p>“I know.” Those gray eyes were harsher now, and he frowned. “I’ve been trying to get more secure collars and kept my eye on him. I literally just glanced back to make sure my car was locked when I felt him get away. He’s too damn fast sometimes.”</p><p>Cliff pulled away from Not-Connor, trying to get closer to Gavin.</p><p>Gavin stepped back.</p><p>Rumor wiggled and meowed.</p><p>Gavin blinked and said, “Fuck, sorry Ru, let me put you down…” He nodded to Not-Connor and walked a short distance away before setting Rumor down. She promptly maneuvered around him faster than ever, making the leash pop off his wrist, and wandered back towards the dog. “Ru!” He reached out to grab her leash again, but his urge to be careful with her meant he missed.</p><p>Not-Connor was keeping the dog back. Cliff was straining against his lead to get to Ru.</p><p>“You’d think you’d never seen a fucking dog before,” Gavin muttered, quickly walking back to her, and then froze when he realized… and Not-Connor seemed to realize at the same time, because he let Cliff go.</p><p>The two animals sniffed each other again when they met, then walked past each other. Ru walked nimbly over to Not-Connor, looking up at him thoughtfully. Cliff came to a halt by Gavin’s feet and looked at him soulfully.</p><p>Gavin felt his mouth dry.</p><p>It wasn’t <em>possible</em>.</p><p>He looked up and met Not-Connor’s, well… <em>gaze</em> and the man seemed… just as surprised.</p><p>Gavin had seen plenty of people find their soulmates. There were enough movies and shows about it, and he’d actually watched it happen to a few coworkers. The experiences were always different. Sometimes it was happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry, even.</p><p>Of course, Gavin’s would be <em>shocked</em>.</p><p>He sized Not-Connor up. He looked good in his casual clothing, with clean jeans and comfortable walking shoes, and a light sweater that framed his shoulders well. Of course that was just a way for Gavin to ignore the look of alarm on the guy’s face.</p><p>Gavin eventually walked past Cliff – the dog followed at his side anyway – and stepped closer to Not-Connor, with the aim to pick up Ru, but... he didn’t pick up Ru, just yet. Gavin imagined he looked desperate. Even with the guy looking at him like Gavin had five heads, Gavin felt… a slightly pull towards Not-Connor. And sure, he was afraid the guy was an illusion or something. That Ru had gained some weird sort of disease that was making her look up at this random dude adoringly.</p><p>Gavin realized he’d forgotten he looked a mess. His shirt was rumpled and stained – one of his “outdoors” shirts he didn’t care if it got grass stains or torn – and he hadn’t shaved properly, since he didn’t have to go to work. And he was wearing his shitty jeans.</p><p>Next to Not-Connor, he looked like refuse. And now… now Not-Connor’s expression seemed almost like a glare.</p><p>Gavin realized he’d been rude to the guy. <em>Great</em> first impression with your soulmate, being a dick. Of course, only <em>Gavin</em> would do that…</p><p>Gavin swallowed. “I uh…”</p><p>“Well I guess it’s unavoidable, then. I’m Nathan.” When Gavin didn’t respond, Nathan sighed and continued, his expression still unreadable. “What’s your name?”</p><p>“…Gavin. Gavin Reed.” Gavin had often thought about this moment. About the speech he’d say. He’d written a few over the years, because he knew his soulmate would have to find <em>him</em>. He’d apologize for not making a Soul Journey and then he’d be all suave and sweet and sweep whoever it was off their feet, or sometimes it was just normal conversation so they didn’t think he was weird.</p><p>All the speeches were all gone from his head now that he was staring at Nathan. He thought about asking for Nathan’s phone number, because, obviously they were going to stay in touch now, right? Did they… just go on a date?</p><p>“So this is sort of awkward,” Nathan said, smiling ever so slightly.</p><p><em>He has a pretty smile</em>.</p><p>“I wasn’t… on a Soul Journey or anything… I was just taking Cliff for a walk.”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “…Oh.”</p><p>Nathan glanced around nervously.</p><p>Gavin swallowed and replied. “Me, too. I mean… Ru, she… I’m busy with work so I haven’t taken her out walking much recently.” He indicated his cat. “She likes going for walks. Had the day off today, is all.” He scratched his neck. “Guess we were just lucky, huh?”</p><p>“…Yes,” Nathan replied, his gaze going distant. “I suppose we were.”</p><p>They stood there for a bit, neither of them saying anything.</p><p>“So uh…” Gavin finally offered, “You wanna… walk together for a bit?”</p><p>“I, um… Look, no offense, but this is a lot, and I have work I have to get back to.”</p><p>“Oh yeah. I get that.” Gavin had the day off, but it was just a normal weekday, so it made sense.</p><p>Nathan grimaced. “I guess… we exchange phone numbers?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah.” Gavin pulled out his phone and they got that done in short order.</p><p>“Well… it was a pleasure to meet you, Gavin,” Nathan said, as he pulled Cliff away, back in the direction of where they came.</p><p>Gavin stared after them, and only wondered when they’d disappeared from view why Nathan had driven all the way out here to walk his dog, entered the park, and then immediately left after meeting Gavin.</p>
<hr/><p>“I swear the next time Connor asks I’m just gonna tell him to give Hank an under the desk blowjob. It’s just kind of sad at this point.”</p><p>Gavin snorted as he stirred his pasta. Tina was on speakerphone during her second break. Gavin was back at his apartment, it was late, and he’d put off making dinner too long and hoped the noise didn’t bother the neighbors too much. But fuck em, anyway, right? “Get a picture for me if you do. I’d love to see his face. Although he’d probably just think it was a good idea and go for it.”</p><p>“We’ll have to give him a trophy if he jumps on it. Two years of pining isn’t a good look.”</p><p><em>“Met my soulmate today,”</em> was what he <em>should </em>have said. Right after “I thought about Kyle again”, which he ended up never sending. His timer beeped and he turned the heat off before dumping the noodles in the strainer.</p><p>“Chris and Zoey are apparently working on having kids,” Tina said.</p><p>“Wow. Chris as a dad? That’s… that’s something to think about.”</p><p>“He’d be a great dad.”</p><p>“Yeah.” <em>Not like I’d know what a good dad is like.</em> He glanced down as Ru wandered around in her blue drag bag. She stopped by her polka dotted water bowl to drink.</p><p>“Can you imagine having kids?” Tina asked, laughing. “What a nightmare.”</p><p>“I met my soulmate today.” Gavin swallowed, nearly choking on it.</p><p>Tina was quiet for a while before saying, “No fucking shit? Really!?”</p><p>Gavin shook the strainer and watched the water drain. “Yeah. Yeah, really.”</p><p>“…So??”</p><p>“So nothing. We didn’t talk much. Met him in the pet park, introduced ourselves, exchanged numbers, and then he went off and I went home.”</p><p>“What, seriously?”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. He’d thought over the encounter a dozen times at this point. “Before… Before we realized things, I kind of dressed him down for being a shitty dog owner. His dog got out of his collar, and I thought he was going to attack Ru... And I kind of… went off a bit. I don’t imagine it was the best first impression.”</p><p>“…You always did have a way with first impressions. But I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you’re soulmates. I spilled a drink on Grace when we first met.”</p><p>“I don’t know. He didn’t seem that happy about it.”</p><p>“Oh… well… Maybe he was just surprised.”</p><p>“…Yeah.” Nathan had definitely seemed a <em>little</em> surprised, but more in the… <em>unhappy</em> about it vein, then anything else. Gavin didn’t know why, and he knew there could easily be a million reasons that he would never knew because he knew barely anything about the guy, but his mind automatically went to, ‘He took one look at me and discovered what the dictionary definition of ‘disappointing’ is.’”</p><p>Unfortunately, Tina had developed the ability in vet school to figure out when Gavin was letting his worries run away with him, even when they couldn’t see each other. “Gavin, you barely know the guy. Give him a day, maybe, then text him. Ask to meet up. I can come with you if you want.”</p><p>“I don’t need a chaperone. He’s my fucking soulmate, right?”</p><p>“Okay, sorry. Just… don’t overthink this. Maybe he’s really awesome.”</p><p><em>And the poor fucker’s stuck with me.</em> “Yeah. Maybe he is.”</p><p>“Optimism, thy name is <em>not</em> Gavin Reed.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “I… I was thinking about Kyle today, so no, it really isn’t.”</p><p>“Fuck, Gav… Don’t waste your time on that fuck.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“…What do you need right now?”</p><p>“To put these noodles in a bowl and cover them in tomato sauce.”</p><p>She laughed. “Okay, and once you’ve eaten dinner, then what?”</p><p>“…I don’t know.”</p><p>“I can come by after my shift. I’ll grab some kettle corn from the store and we can do a Netflix marathon. Yeah?”</p><p>“…Yeah. That’s great.” He swallowed. “You’re the best, Tina.”</p><p>“Yup. Now eat your dinner, okay?”</p>
<hr/><p>Nathan sat at his table, staring out at the city, and blinked when he realized it was dark and he hadn’t turned the lights on.</p><p>He’d gotten back to his apartment and hadn’t contacted anyone. Not Connor. Not Cecil. Not his mother. Not… Gavin.</p><p>He didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t expected to meet his soulmate. Today, of course, but… at any time in the near future, really.</p><p>Having a soulmate… complicated things. He liked his privacy. Liked being on his own. It was quiet and simple. Everything in his space was perfectly in order. Cliff was well-trained <em>most of the time</em> and life moved at a largely uncomplicated pace.</p><p>At least, that’s what he wanted after leaving New York. And he wasn’t going to think about New York, because that was stupid. New York was the reason he <em>had</em> to take things slowly here. He’d taken on too much too fast in his old job, thinking he could work his way to the top, which was a fucking joke, and nearly burned himself permanently by trusting the wrong person on top of it all. Taking his mother’s suggestion and moving to Detroit had been less a kind of promotion and more a helping hand while he was drowning.</p><p>Now he was getting his life back in order and suddenly he had a soulmate?</p><p>He breathed in deeply, and then out, making himself relax.</p><p>He didn’t have a solid good look at the guy, either. He was okay looking, as things went. Decently attractive, for all he looked kind of tired and ragged and was wearing old clothes. Kind of snippy, but he had been walking his cat, and Nathan himself was snippy and wanted to be left alone when walking Cliff.</p><p>Nathan did note that the guy hadn’t seemed turned off by Nathan’s snippiness, at least, so that was something.</p><p>“It’s just not what I wanted right now,” Nathan said to himself, quietly. It was something he’d planned to get to <em>someday</em>, of course. And his then-unknown soulmate had obliged by not showing up. Nathan had always assumed that as they were soulmates, they both understood the idea of <em>waiting</em> for the right time.</p><p>A time that still hadn’t come.</p><p>Well… he’d message the guy when the time felt right, anyway.</p><p>And he’d tell Connor... later.</p>
<hr/><p>Gavin felt itchy after sending his first text to Nathan, and grimaced down at the paperwork on his desk. He was back at work, running through normal admin things. It was a slow morning.</p><p>Nathan hadn’t texted him, and it had taken ages for Gavin to get the courage to actually text him – well over 24 hours past their first meeting. He assumed soulmates would be something that just <em>clicked</em> immediately. Like, oh yeah, that’s the one for me. We work! Let’s spend the rest our waking moments together as much as possible!</p><p>But then… why did so many of them not end up together? It wasn’t a majority, certainly, but there were plenty who didn’t. Kyle, for starters. Although Kyle was a dick, so that was hardly surprising. Even Kyle’s soulmate would have had a hard time dealing with him.</p><p>Gavin cringed when he looked back over the text he’d sent.</p><p> </p><p>[Gavin]: Hey so wanna hang sometime? Get to know each other better?</p><p> </p><p>It sounded creepy, like a desperate come on.</p><p> </p><p>[Nathan]: I’ve started a new job so I’ll be busy for a while.</p><p>[Gavin]: It’s cool, I get it</p><p> </p><p>And then radio silence. Did Gavin text more, or did he leave well enough alone? He didn’t even know where the guy <em>worked</em>.</p><p>He wanted to know.</p><p>Gavin sighed and ran a hand through his hair and turned back to his paperwork. Not that he was back at the office it was like he’d never left. At least he could lose himself in the work, even if the morning was a <em>little</em> slow. Clearly Fowler and Hank had just been snorting something when they ordered him to take the time off, like it would make a difference. Gavin didn’t feel any <em>more</em> relaxed than before his little ‘vacation’. And if they expected him to be different, boy were they in for a surprise.</p><p>He had told himself over the years that even if he found his soulmate, realistically they probably wouldn’t fix everything. That was asking too much of one person, even the best person. But… he’d hoped… it would fix… <em>something</em>…</p><p>He got up and walked to the kitchen to get a drink.</p><p>Connor was making himself some tea and looked up and smiled when Gavin entered the room. “Hey, Gavin. How’s work?”</p><p>Gavin shrugged noncommittedly and walked to the fridge to pull out one of his sodas. He closed the fridge and walked over to the table, took a sip, glanced at Connor, then at a wall.</p><p><em>Nathan Stern</em> was the name in his contacts. His image had been burned in Gavin’s mind, and the two were basically identical.</p><p>“Hey, Connor…?” Gavin began.</p><p>“Yes?” Connor leaned back against the counter and lowered his phone.</p><p>"Do you have a brother named Nathan?”</p><p>Connor raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah. My twin. Why?”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “I think I met him at the pet park the other day. Didn’t know you were related, but I figured… you look identical…”</p><p>Connor smiled. “Yeah. He’s new in town. Changed jobs and got a new place. Glad he’s meeting people.”</p><p>Gavin swallowed and shrugged. “We didn’t talk much.”</p><p>“He’s kind of… closed up, I guess? Once you get to know him, he’s a nice guy. Kind of like you.”</p><p>Gavin scoffed. “Thanks, I guess.”</p><p>“Well you <em>have</em> given me a few good pointers with Hank.”</p><p>“And you never use em.”</p><p>Connor smiled, then sighed. “I just lose my nerve. It’s… It’s not easy asking someone else out.”</p><p>Gavin sighed, “Yeah, join the club.”</p><p>“Ooh, found someone, have you?”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Fuck off.”</p><p>“What? It’s good!” Connor smiled. “I wish you luck.”</p><p>Gavin shook his head. That was the problem with Connor. When he wasn’t a sneaky, sarcastic asshole, he was just… genuine. It unnerved Gavin. He kept expecting the other shoe to drop. Kyle was like that. All sweet and warm and then gloating and cruel the next minute. And it wasn’t <em>just</em> Kyle. It was people in general. They used you until they got what they wanted. Gavin had been lucky enough to find Tina and Chris, who were some of the few decent people he’d met, and Fowler and Hank, who weren’t friends, but seemed willing to focus on their own shit and work as a team, and had set up a decent office at Jericho Paws, but… Still. Fucking paranoia.</p><p>“Oh, hey Gavin. Connor.”</p><p>Both men turned to see Hank walk into the kitchen and head to the fridge, pulling out his food.</p><p>Gavin noticed Connor swallow and tense up.</p><p>“H-hey Ha-Dr. Anderson. How are you?”</p><p>“Just fine. Hungry. Skipped lunch and didn’t realize the time.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s a bad idea! Lunch gives you energy for the day!”</p><p>Hank chuckled. “You sound like my doctor.”</p><p>Gavin sipped some more soda and listened to them. Connor’s awkward commentary as Hank walked to the microwave and put his food in.</p><p>“…You’re so fucking stupid.”</p><p>Connor and Hank blinked before looking at him.</p><p>“…What?” Connor asked.</p><p>“He’s right fucking <em>there</em> and you just don’t… <em>do</em> anything!” Gavin said, slightly louder.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Hank asked, frowning now.</p><p>Connor eyes were wide and a little panicky.</p><p>“You’ve been dancing around this thing for two fucking years now because you’re too much of a coward to tell him how you feel!” Gavin said, glaring at Connor. “You’re fucking lucky he’s stayed right <em>there!</em>”</p><p>Connor stared at him for a moment, then stepped forward and slapped Gavin’s cheek, hard, making Gavin stagger slightly.</p><p>“Connor!” Hank said.</p><p>Gavin stared at the ground, feeling his face warm, and not just from the slap. His fool mouth…</p><p>“Gavin, go to your office. I’ll talk to you in a minute.”</p><p>Gavin blinked, grabbed his soda, and left the room without looking at either of them. He grabbed his pack from his office and went home.</p>
<hr/><p>Gavin locked his door when he got home, turned his phone off, and pulled out all the alcohol he hadn’t already drunk.</p><p>But for whatever reason he took it kind of slow. Not <em>that</em> slow. But slow.</p><p>Rumor meowed at him a lot and he pulled out one of her string toys to play with her for a bit in his tiny shithole apartment he should have sold for something better and bigger before. She seemed entertained anyway, although Gavin just felt empty, watching her trot back and forth excitedly. At least he could make <em>someone</em> happy. A bout of lethargy meant he spent a bit longer than normal on the play session, and Ru got bored and wandered off. As a reward, Gavin put out some fresh catnip, which got her rolling over her scratching post in excitement, and Gavin sat back and drank some more.</p><p>At some point someone knocked on his door. When he ignored it, and someone unlocked it – Tina, of course, followed by Chris – he was somewhat surprised, somewhat not. Probably Connor or Hank or both talked. Connor was a loudmouth to anyone other than Hank.</p><p>They set their stuff on the counter and Chris greeted Rumor while Tina picked up all the alcohol she could, including the one in Gavin’s hand, and moved it all to a corner of the kitchen.</p><p>Gavin was too tired to fight her on it.</p><p>Tina sat down on the couch with him. Chris shortly followed, sitting on Gavin’s other side. Rumor hopped up to sit on Gavin’s lap.</p><p>Gavin idly pet the cat.</p><p>“So, what the fuck happened at work?” Tina asked.</p><p>Gavin leaned back in the couch and crossed his arms. “The fuck did you hear?”</p><p>“Not what I asked,” Tina replied.</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Probably more accurate than whatever I could say.”</p><p>“Just tell us what happened, Gavin,” Chris said, putting his arm back over the couch.</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “I yelled at Connor in front of Hank. Called him a coward for not just… fucking saying anything to Hank after all this fucking time. At the rate they were going, they’d both be dust by the time Connor said anything. Fucking pathetic…”</p><p>“You said all of that?” Chris asked.</p><p>“No, just the shit about him being a coward.”</p><p>“Why?” Tina asked.</p><p>“Because it’s fucking pathetic, that’s why!” Gavin stood up and walked away. “Hank’s right fucking <em>there</em> and Connor’s the lucky fuck who doesn’t have the fucking guts to just <em>say</em> it…”</p><p>“…Is this about your soulmate?” Tina asked.</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Not everything is about <em>him</em>.”</p><p>“You haven’t met him again,” she pointed out.</p><p>“He doesn’t <em>want</em> to meet me again, so what?” Not true. The guy was just busy. They’d only met each other the other day. It wasn’t Nathan’s fault that Gavin was a nervous texter and hadn’t pushed after that first bad texting session.</p><p>But part of Gavin thought that if the guy <em>really</em> wanted to, he’d have texted. Or called. Or… or anything.</p><p>But Gavin had only sent <em>one</em> text. Two, if he counted his response. He hadn’t tried to extend their meeting together, either. Just gone with what made Nathan happy.</p><p>It was how he’d survived Kyle.</p><p>“That’s not Connor’s fault.”</p><p>“I know, okay!” Gavin clutched his shirt sleeves. Rumor grumbled as his legs moved. “I know it’s not his fucking fault. I just…” His skin <em>itched</em>. It itched and it wouldn’t stop and fuck, he’d been a dick to Nathan’s <em>brother</em>, fuck… The fucker was gonna <em>hate</em> him now…</p><p>Chris sighed and said, “Have you called this guy? Your soulmate?”</p><p>“…No. We texted once.”</p><p>“Do you want to call him while we’re here?” Tina asked. “You can at least tell him how you feel.”</p><p>“He’s a fucking stranger. The last thing he needs is some rando telling him I need him to fix my <em>everything</em>.”</p><p>Tina shook her head, but added, “Yeah.”</p><p>They were quiet for a while.</p><p>“Gavin,” Tina finally said. “You need to apologize to Connor.”</p><p>“I know,” Gavin said.</p><p>“Hank was really pissed,” Chris said.</p><p>“Yeah…” Gavin sighed.</p><p>“Have you talked to him yet?” Chris asked.</p><p>“No,” Gavin said, moving back to sit properly on the couch and put his head in his hands, pushing Rumor away. “I’ll… talk to him tomorrow.”</p><p>“So, you’ll listen,” Tina said, “Apologize a LOT, keep your head down for a bit, and you’ll talk to your soulmate and this’ll all be fine, all right?”</p><p>“Oh yeah,” Gavin said. “Sure. Just like that.”</p><p>“Just like that,” Tina said. “Now let’s watch some house shows and be judgmental shitheads.”</p><p>Gavin smiled, despite himself, as Tina took the remote and Chris got up to walk to the kitchen. Gavin looked at her. “Thanks. For… For coming over.”</p><p>She smiled back. “Don’t mention it.”</p>
<hr/><p>Nathan settled back on his pillows and pulled open a book for some reading before bed. Another long day. He thought it would take forever to settle into the new job, but things were going smoothly. His coworkers were decent, his boss was friendly, the work was stimulating. It was good. Which likely meant any minute life would throw a curve ball his way, but maybe the whole soulmate thing was <em>it</em> for a bit.</p><p>Cliff lay on his bed on the floor nearby, sleeping.</p><p>Nathan was happy that Gavin hadn’t bothered him again after that initial text. Maybe the guy did understand Nathan’s “give it more time” approach, on some level.</p><p>Nathan’s cellphone rang. Connor’s ringtone.</p><p>Nathan set his book down and hit speaker. “Connor?”</p><p>“He asked me on a date, Nathan!”</p><p>Nathan blinked at his wall for a minute. “Who asked you?”</p><p>“Hank! He asked me on a date!”</p><p>“…Congratulations?”</p><p>“Thanks! Fuck, I thought… I mean I didn’t know, but apparently he had a crush on me and was too nervous to ask me out because he thought it would be an abuse of authority or something but it’s really fine and also when I explained first that I liked him—”</p><p>“Okay wait, slow down. What happened?”</p><p>“I told Hank I liked him a lot and wanted to ask him out, and he was surprised, and admitted he’d wanted to ask<em> me</em> for ages, but he thought it was the authority thing, and also he’s older – he’s not <em>that</em> old – and didn’t want to pressure me. So, he just asked me out and we’re going out this Friday! Ugh I can’t fucking wait!”</p><p>“That sounds amazing, Connor.”</p><p>Connor laughed. “I’m still shaking. I can’t believe it’s real…” He sighed. “Almost makes up for Gavin’s bullshit.”</p><p>“Gavin?”</p><p>“My coworker. Well… he’s one of the other doctors here. He…” Connor sighed.</p><p>“What did he do?”</p><p>“The three of us were in the work kitchen and Gavin just… called me a coward for not admitting to Hank how I felt.”</p><p>“…You’re kidding.”</p><p>“Nope. I slapped him, though.”</p><p>“…Good.”</p><p>Connor laughed. “Yeah. And then Hank told him off and he left work and Hank was pissed about that, but then Hank asked me out. Good day, all around. I’m so <em>shaky</em>…”</p><p>Nathan waited a moment, then asked, “What’s Gavin’s last name?”</p><p>“…Why?”</p><p>“Just curious.”</p><p>“Reed. Oh yeah, he said he met you the other day. You didn’t tell me you met anyone while you were out.”</p><p>“I didn’t think it was important. Besides, it’s not like I knew you worked together.”</p><p>Connor snorted. “You met some random stranger and talked to them enough to tell them your full name? When you told me one of the big reasons you left New York is because you had trouble making friends? You know you can talk to me about this stuff, right?”</p><p>“…Maybe I don’t because you’re a dick about it.”</p><p>“Ahh, sorry…”</p><p>Nathan sighed. “Well… anyway. I’m happy for you.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Nathan could hear the warmth through the phone, and he <em>was</em> genuinely happy for Connor. Connor had been moping for <em>ages</em> about his “unrequited” crush.</p><p>They chatted for a bit, pleasantly, with Connor talking excitedly about his date when Nathan refused to say anything about his meeting with Gavin. Eventually they ended the conversation and hung up.</p><p>Nathan stared at his phone on his knees.</p><p>He didn’t like starting fights. Fights devolved into chaos, quickly, which wasted everyone’s time, and were always more annoying than anything else. They didn’t solve things.</p><p>But Connor was his brother.</p><p>And he’d spent too long not starting a fight and just accepting what was handed to him and pushing forward. And Nathan had promised himself Detroit was a fresh start. This was the new, more <em>mature</em> Nathan, who stood up for himself.</p><p>So, Nathan dialed Gavin’s number.</p><p>After three rings, Gavin picked up.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>Nathan breathed and said, “You were an asshole to my brother.”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a long time before responding, “Yeah.” No denial. No excuses. Just a simple answer.</p><p>Nathan frowned. “How’d you know Connor was my brother?”</p><p>“I didn’t know for sure until I asked him today. The last name and that you both look the same kind of gave it away. So, I asked him.”</p><p>Nathan was quiet for a while, thinking that over. “But you were still an asshole to him.” Nathan didn’t even know what he was getting at with this. What, he should expect his soulmate to be nice to Connor because Connor was Nathan’s sibling?</p><p>“…Yeah.” That same, nothing-response. Just acknowledgement. No excuses.</p><p>Nathan frowned. “Is that all you have to say for yourself?”</p><p>“…I guess.”</p><p>Nathan sighed. Maybe if they knew each other, really at <em>all</em>, Nathan would know better what to do here. But Gavin was a stranger. A stranger who’d been an asshole for no apparent reason, to one of the few people Nathan cared about.</p><p>Maybe Nathan was open to the idea of a soulmate, but Nathan had never tolerated people who were dicks to his loved ones.</p><p>“I don’t want to see you again. Do not contact me.” Then he hung up.</p><p>He stared at his phone for a while, realized he wasn’t going to bed any time soon, and got out to take Cliff for a late-night walk.</p>
<hr/><p>Gavin lowered the phone slowly, staring blankly at the wall ahead.</p><p>“Gavin?”</p><p>It wasn’t like time slowed down or he wasn’t aware that Tina was poking him. He just… didn’t want to deal with it just yet. He wanted to just pretend if he ignored it, it wasn’t real. It hadn’t happened.</p><p>“Gavin, what happened?”</p><p>He looked down at his phone, then placed it aside, knowing he’d throw it or something if he didn’t.</p><p>Rumor meowed by his legs. She’d hopped down at some point to get some water, and had returned while he was on the phone. He reached down and pulled her onto his lap so he could pet her. He watched his own tears drip down onto her fur.</p><p>“Gavin, who the fuck called you?” Tina demanded.</p><p>“…Nathan. My… my soulmate.”</p><p>“What the fuck did he say??”</p><p>“He’s… Connor’s his brother. So he knows about today. He said he doesn’t want to see me again. Or hear from me.” Gavin pet Rumor carefully. He didn’t want to crush her. She was purring. She always had a loud purr.</p><p>Should he be hurt about losing something he’d never really had? About a door he’d assumed for years was shut anyway, that had never really opened? Surely, when you looked at the situation like that, he wouldn’t be hurting this badly, knowing it was now shut for good. Things hadn’t really changed, after all.</p><p>Certainly, Gavin hadn’t.</p><p>“Aw, Gav.” Tina reached over and pulled him into a hug.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promise that this fic does have a happy ending! Sending everyone love! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Apologies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the love this has gotten &lt;3 Sending hugs to you all!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor was having a pretty good day, all things considered. He’d already said hi to Hank, who’d come in early, and Hank had smiled warmly at. Him, making Connor feel all melty and floaty and just every good feeling, honestly.</p><p>Of course, when Connor was preparing to take a cat to the back, <em>Gavin</em> came in. Connor stiffened when he spotted the other man, but Gavin didn’t even look at him. Just walked to his office. He came out a short time later to get some water from the kitchen while Connor was grabbing a snack. Connor moved away when Gavin stepped in and Gavin looked at him and… looked right through him, seemingly, his expression completely blank, before moving back to what he was doing.</p><p>About an hour later, Hank called Connor into one of the empty consultation rooms. Gavin was sitting in a chair usually set aside for clients, staring blankly at a wall with a poster of different cat breeds. Connor looked at Hank, who smiled encouragingly. Fowler was there, too, frowning at Gavin.</p><p>“So, we’re here to talk about yesterday,” Hank started. “Now Connor, Jeff and I have spoken to Gavin. What Gavin did was inappropriate. Given the nature of our practice, and what happened, there are… limitations on what we can do administratively, but we wanted to at least make sure Gavin apologized to you.”</p><p>Connor looked at Gavin while Hank was talking, and realized something was off. Up close, Gavin looked… different. His hair was a bit of a mess. He didn’t seem to have shaved. The bags under his eyes were heavier. And he seemed to be staring <em>through</em> Jeff, not at him. He’d also misbuttoned his shirt.</p><p>“Do you want an apology from him?” Hank asked, softly. “A verbal one? Or one at all?”</p><p>“…Yes,” Connor replied. “Verbal is fine.” He hadn’t thought about it much, honestly, as he’d been mostly distracted by finally talking to Hank about <em>everything</em> <em>else</em>. Gavin hadn’t even come up during the chats they’d had.</p><p>“Gavin?” Hank’s tone became hard. “You’re going to apologize to Connor now.”</p><p>Gavin didn’t say anything for a minute.</p><p>“Gavin,” Fowler said, his tone hard, too.</p><p>Gavin blinked and turned his head to Connor, but Connor was kind of weirded out to realize that Gavin was… looking right through him, too.</p><p>“I’m sorry for being a dick yesterday and calling you a coward.” His voice was unusually quiet, but clear. “It was rude, inappropriate, cruel, and unprofessional. I promise to improve my behavior going forward.” Then he was silent, and just… kept on with that weird… zombie-like stare.</p><p>“Is that all right, Connor?” Hank asked.</p><p>“…Yeah, yeah that’s fine. Thanks,” Connor said, not knowing how to follow up. “Sorry I slapped you.”</p><p>Gavin blinked, then shrugged.</p><p>"…You can go, then,” Hank said, looking at Connor. “The three of us have some more stuff to talk about.”</p><p>Connor was still watching Gavin’s weird dead expression. He wondered if it was something Hank and Fowler had said. But Jeff was still frowning at Gavin. And… Gavin <em>had</em> come in looking weird this morning. Maybe they were just annoyed about the shirt? It was definitely unprofessional for a practice partner to come in like that.</p><p>At any rate, it wasn’t Connor’s problem, so he left.</p><p>Shortly before he usually took his lunch, Kara popped into the room where he was finishing with a client and said, “Connor, delivery for you.”</p><p>“Okay, I’ll be right there.” He finished speaking to the client, said bye to her dog, and then cleaned up before heading to the front desk.</p><p>There was a deliveryman holding what looked like a large heated pouch standing by the desk.</p><p>Kara pointed Connor over to the guy and Connor frowned as he walked forward.</p><p>The deliveryman looked at him and said, “Connor Stern?”</p><p>“…Yes?”</p><p>The man opened the box and pulled out a to-go container <em>bucket</em> of what looked like…</p><p>“Is that… shrimp salad?” Connor asked, staring.</p><p>The man checked his receipt and nodded. He then deposited a few other closed trays, a container of silverware and napkins, and a jug of iced tea, handed Connor the receipt, and left.</p><p>“Uhh…” Connor said, looking over the array.</p><p>“Let’s… get this into the kitchen,” Kara said, helping him pick some of it up. It took a few trips, and a few of the other staffmembers had gathered around.</p><p>There was corn salad, too, roasted carrots, and a thing of hot beignets.</p><p>“Well, who’s your new boyfriend?” Tina asked, glancing over the haul.</p><p>Connor assumed it was Hank, if anyone, but felt it was a bit overboard. He looked at the receipt, though, and his eyes widened when he noticed <em>Gavin’s</em> name on it. And that the order had been entered the previous evening. He looked back at the haul. “Think this is an apology, actually.”</p><p>“…Ah,” Tina said. She looked at the onlookers. “Well, scat, you vultures. Let the man enjoy his lunch in peace!” When they were all gone, she paused, seemed about to say something, but apparently decided against it, then left.</p><p>After he’d eaten quite a bit – it was <em>very</em> good, and he’d invited Hank to join him, which made the man quite happy – he waited outside the room Gavin was finishing up in.</p><p>Gavin stepped out and tossed a paper towel in the trash when he spotted Connor. The fake smile for clients faded and the dead stare came back.</p><p>“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Connor asked.</p><p>“Sure, what is it?” Gavin replied. His voice was still weirdly quiet, and void of feeling. Not aggressive or anything. Just… muted.</p><p>“Thanks,” Connor said. “For the lunch. How’d you know those were my favorites?”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “You talked about them a few weeks ago when you were describing your ideal date.”</p><p>“…Oh.” Then Connor blinked. “Wait, that wasn’t you asking me out, was it?”</p><p>“…No.”</p><p>“…Ah.”</p><p>Gavin just stared.</p><p>“…I really am sorry about slapping you.”</p><p>“…Okay.” No change in expression.</p><p>Connor sighed, “Hank and Jeff really reamed you out, huh?”</p><p>Gavin blinked, frowned ever so slightly, before his expression smoothed back to nothingness. “Huh? Oh, I guess.” While Connor processed <em>that</em>, Gavin walked past him and went on to do whatever it was he was headed to.</p>
<hr/><p>Two days later, Tina pulled him aside near the end of his shift. “Hey, can I get Nathan’s number from you? Gavin won’t give it to me.”</p><p>“Nathan?” Connor frowned. “You mean my brother? How do you know Nathan?”</p><p>“Gavin told me about him.”</p><p>“…Why would Gavin talk to you about him?”</p><p>Tina grimaced and rubbed her neck.</p><p>Connor’s frown deepened. “…Are they friends?” The idea was farcical. Gavin was <em>definitely</em> not the type of person Nathan was interested in befriending. …But they’d somehow exchanged names, and Nathan had been a little curious about him, even if he never spoke of Gavin again in their later conversations. </p><p>Tina sighed. “No.” She frowned. “Nathan hasn’t talked to you about him?”</p><p>“Nathan said they met, but no, nothing else.”</p><p>Tina frowned, then looked around hesitantly, then said, “You don’t tell <em>anyone</em> this, right?”</p><p>Connor raised an eyebrow, then nodded slowly.</p><p>She swallowed. “Nathan and Gavin are soulmates.”</p><p>“…You’re joking.”</p><p>“No. They found out about a week ago.”</p><p>“…Ah.” Why hadn’t <em>Nathan</em> told him?</p><p>“Now Nathan hates Gavin because of what Gavin said to <em>you</em> and Gavin is beating himself up about it and I just want to talk to the fucker for being a shithead.”</p><p>Connor blinked.</p><p>Tina put her hands up. “Not that what Gavin did was right! But… Nathan cut off all ties and it’s… really fucked Gavin up. He already had some bad hang-ups, you know, about going so long without a soulmate… And I mean you’ve seen him. In his… <em>zombie</em> mode. He won’t even talk to me or Chris. I don’t think he says much outside of talking to clients.”</p><p>Connor thought back over Gavin’s behavior recently. Gavin was brusque even before he’d called Connor a coward, but that was all gone, which Connor couldn’t say he missed. What was left was largely his… absence. Connor hadn’t caught him hanging out in the kitchen with Tina or Chris recently, and he stayed at work even later than normal. And there was that weird “looks through people” stare he always had these days. “Yeah... zombie <em>is</em> an accurate description.”</p><p>Connor could relate, going so long without a soulmate. There weren’t many of them at the office – Connor was a couple years younger than Gavin, to boot, and Tina had departed their ranks in the past year. So it was really just Connor, Gavin, and Hank. It’s why Connor assumed Tina and Gavin were so encouraging for Connor to ask Hank out. Connor knew Hank was depressed, too, about not having a soulmate, but had been too focused on raising his son to worry overmuch about Soul Journeys. Since Connor’s soulmate had yet to appear no matter how many Soul Journeys he went on to try and move past his seemingly unrequited crush on Hank, and Connor could now look forward to going out with Hank, Connor had made peace with the absence.</p><p>Gavin didn’t have that, though. Connor tried to imagine finally finding his soulmate… only to be rejected immediately. Connor had moved past his anger at this point. He would likely never be Gavin’s close friend, but cautious coworkers at least at this point was workable. And after finally getting Hank to ask him out and Gavin’s apologies and the man largely avoiding him anyway, Connor was willing to let bygones be bygones.</p><p>“So… would you give me Nathan’s number?”</p><p>Connor bit his lip. Nathan would probably be annoyed if Tina went after him, particularly if Connor had a hand in it. He liked Tina, but he didn’t want to just… hand his brother’s number out to people.</p><p>But… he was willing to talk to Nathan on Gavin’s behalf. Gavin had basically done the same for Hank, and had given Connor a <em>lot</em> of supportive advice over the years.</p><p>So he shook his head. “No. I’ll talk to him.”</p><p>“…Okay.”</p>
<hr/><p>On Connor’s way out for the day, he paused by Gavin’s office. The door was almost closed, but there was a crack, and Connor could tell the light was on.</p><p>Connor hesitated, then knocked on the door. “Gavin?”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>Connor pushed the door open to step in and saw Gavin brush a hand over his eyes before looking up. His expression was still blank, but tired, too. His eyes were a little red. The beard was worse than it had been. It looked Gavin wasn’t bothering to shave at all these days. At least he’d figured out how to button his shirts.</p><p>“Yeah?” Gavin said in that same muted voice, although it was a little scratchier than usual.</p><p>“Is… everything okay, Gavin?” Connor asked.</p><p>Gavin blinked. “Yeah. Everything’s fine. Why? Is something wrong?”</p><p>Connor hesitated before replying, “You don’t seem like yourself lately.”</p><p>Gavin blinked, shrugged, and shuffled the papers on his desk. “It’s just normal stuff, Connor. Don’t worry about it. Unless you want to, I guess, then… whatever. That’s your business.”</p><p>Connor frowned. “You know you can talk to me if something’s bothering you.”</p><p>“Okay…?”</p><p>Connor realized he had no idea what to say, and certainly didn’t feel that comfortable asking Gavin about Nathan being his soulmate. So he sighed and turned to leave.</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>Connor glanced back.</p><p>Gavin was looking at his papers. “Thanks for asking.”</p><p>Connor smiled and said, “Don’t mention it.” After a moment he added, “The way you went around it was stupid, but you <em>are</em> the reason I have a date with Hank, so… I’m grateful for that.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “<em>You’re</em> the reason you have a date with Hank. It’s got nothing to do with me.”</p><p>“Yeah, but neither of us would have acted on it without you stepping in. You’re allowed to take credit where it’s due.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged, shaking his head. “Whatever.”</p><p>Connor’s smile widened. “You should head home soon. You were here before I was.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Gavin said, moving a paper aside to read some more.</p><p>“Good night, Gavin.”</p><p>“Night, Connor.”</p><p>Connor walked out of the room and pulled his phone out to send a text.</p><p>[Connor]: Hey, call your brother</p>
<hr/><p>Nathan scratched Cliff’s ears before opening the fridge to think over what he was going to eat for dinner. He’d gotten a compliment from his boss, so that was a nice sign. It had buoyed him up through what was rather a decent day all around. He was talking more with his coworkers, and hoped he was making friends among them. He’d always had trouble, as he was a bit standoffish, but he wanted to make friends. And they all seemed receptive. It helped that he could seek refuge in his office when he needed.</p><p>There was a knock on his front door and he closed the fridge, then walked over. When he checked the peephole, he frowned, stepped back, unlocked the door, and said, “Connor? I didn’t realize you were coming over. Is something wrong?”</p><p>“…No, everything’s good. Just… wanted to come over and visit. Could I come in?”</p><p>“Of course.” Nathan stepped back so Connor could walk inside.</p><p>Cliff walked over to greet Connor and Connor smiled and scratched his ears.</p><p>Nathan shut the door and asked, “Can I get you something to drink?”</p>
<hr/><p>“You eaten dinner yet?”</p><p>Gavin looked up to see Elijah standing there in the doorway to his office. He was wearing an expensive suit, as usual, although his hair was down, rather than in that stupid man bun, which was a nice change, and he had his glasses on. He was smiling.</p><p>Gavin frowned.</p><p>“No, of course you haven’t,” Elijah said, “you’re worse than me. Come on, loser, we’re getting grub.” Elijah walked over, grabbed Gavin’s work bag, and walked out.</p><p>“Eli!” Gavin yelled, then grumbled and shut his computer off, since Elijah had his car keys and wallet now.</p><p>Of course, Elijah insisted on driving while Gavin glared at the dashboard. And they ended up at a fancy restaurant, because of course they did. Eli always ate stupid expensive.</p><p>“Chloe says this place is great,” Elijah said as they opened the menu. “So, it should be good.”</p><p>“Well since she’s the only one of the two of you with taste, then it’s fine,” Gavin said, looking over his choices. He decided he wasn’t going to let price bother him, since Elijah was going to be paying.</p><p>“So how are things with you these days?” Elijah asked after they’d ordered. “We haven’t been speaking much lately, and it’s been, what… a month since we got together for dinner? After Ru got her new legs? We should do this more often.”</p><p>“We’re both busy.” Gavin knew he’d been letting his relationships flag after… Nathan. Tina didn’t let up, always greeting him and sitting with him at lunch and talking and trying to pull him into conversation. He tried, sometimes, to respond, but it just felt… like a <em>lot</em> of effort these days. Chris was always there, too, just… being available if Gavin needed him. And if he’d been letting his relationships with his best friends suffer, he’d definitely let his relationship with Elijah suffer. And he felt like a dick for it. But he also understood that the world didn’t revolve around <em>him</em>.</p><p>He <em>definitely</em> understood that, lately.</p><p>“Well I’ll ask Chloe to take care of it. She’ll bully us both into getting out of our offices more often.” Elijah sent off the text as Gavin rolled his eyes.</p><p>“She’s not your secretary.”</p><p>“No, which is good, because she can yell back at me.”</p><p>Gavin scoffed.</p><p>“You didn’t answer the question, though,” Elijah said. “How are things?”</p><p>“Things are <em>fine</em>,” Gavin replied, looking at his drink. “Peachy.” He never felt comfortable offloading onto Elijah. Elijah had already done too much for Gavin, ever since Gavin ran away from home. Offloading his problems was just… too much. And they were dumb shit Gavin should be able to take care of on his own, anyway. He didn’t always need his brother to save him.</p><p>“Connor was worried.”</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes. So <em>there</em> was the reason for this nonsense. Even for Elijah, it was excessive. “I regret introducing you two, even accidentally.”</p><p>Elijah shrugged with a smile. “I can’t help my natural charisma.”</p><p>“Keep telling yourself that.”</p><p>“You <em>wound</em> me.”</p><p>Gavin shook his head and realized he was smiling, too. “Jerk.” Elijah always had a way of making him smile, even when things were bad when they were kids. When Gavin was working all his jobs and pushing through vet school, Elijah had been one of the few people who’d inspired him to get up in the morning to get all his shit done. Gavin was always grateful for that.</p><p>“Amanda says you don’t call her enough.”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “I’ve just been busy.” He swallowed. <em>Fucking coward. </em>“And… I found out I’m soulmates with one of her kids.” He winced. He hadn't even <em>thought</em> about that. Geez, had Nathan told her?</p><p>“…Wait, what?” Elijah frowned. “It’s not Connor, is it?”</p><p>“What? No. I mean… no.” He sighed. “Nathan. Her other kid.” Gavin frowned. “I kind of forgot she had two kids, actually.”</p><p>Elijah smiled. “She was very private about her personal life at the best of times. It didn’t help you were always working a dozen jobs and studying constantly and basically had no social life until you finished vet school and somehow managed to not burn out.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “I had a social life. You were just… busy being brilliant.”</p><p>Elijah shrugged. “Anyway. Nathan.” Elijah chuckled. “You know, he works for me.”</p><p>“…What?”</p><p>“Amanda recommended him. He’s good at what he does.”</p><p>“…Oh. Cool.”</p><p>Elijah raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“What? The fuck do you want me to say? He’s your employee. I’m not looking for like… dirt or anything.”</p><p>Elijah shrugged. “He seems like a decent guy. Quiet, but focused.”</p><p>Gavin rubbed his forehead. “Look, don’t talk to him about this. We’re not like… <em>together</em>, okay?”</p><p>Elijah frowned. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Gavin sighed. “He doesn’t want to see me.”</p><p>“…Why?”</p><p>So Gavin explained.</p><p>“…Ah. So that’s why Connor texted me. …I’m sorry this happened.”</p><p>“Whatever. It’s my own fucking fault.”</p><p>“But you apologized. Connor wouldn’t have reached out like he did otherwise.”</p><p>“Yeah, well…” Gavin shrugged.</p><p>“…Anyway, the matter still stands, Amanda just likes talking to you.”</p><p>Gavin threw his hands up. “Why?”</p><p>“Because you’re like her fourth child. After her actual kids, then me. She'd also want to know Nathan is your soulmate. Just because.”</p><p>Now <em>Gavin</em> scoffed. “I just don’t want to bug her when she’s busy.” Truth be told, Gavin had <em>always</em> been intimidated by Amanda. She’d basically taken him in when she certainly didn’t have to, and done so much for him, helped with his emancipation, got him the jobs he needed, and then helped him get through college and vet school. After everything, he didn’t want to bother her with <em>more</em> shit, even if she was the most like a mother he’d ever had.</p><p>“She’ll make time. She’s always happy to hear about stuff you’re up to.” Elijah studied him for a minute, then continued, “Even if you and Nathan aren’t getting along, she’d still want to hear from you. And she’s there for you if you need help, even if you never ask for it.”</p><p>“…She could call <em>me</em>.” Gavin didn’t care how petulant he sounded. Sometimes it was just nice for the only parent you knew to call <em>you</em>, you know?</p><p>“You don’t answer your phone most of the time, particularly lately, with whatever’s going on. And she’s not rude enough to call you at 2 AM, even though I know you’re still awake.”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “Fine. I’ll call her, okay?”</p><p>“Oh, well, through gritted teeth, that’s fine.”</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes again, but Elijah was smiling.</p>
<hr/><p>“So…” Connor started,” I heard a rumor you’re Gavin’s soulmate.”</p><p>Nathan paused, holding a cream soda in his hands. Then he put it on the counter and turned to Connor, whose expression was unreadable. Connor sat on one of the stools at Nathan’s kitchen island, while Nathan was behind the counter, holding his drink. “Did he tell you?”</p><p>Connor shook his head. “No. A mutual friend, who was worried about him, let me know.”</p><p>“…Hmm. Well, it’s nice to know he has friends, I guess.”</p><p>“He doesn’t have many, I think. He’s kind of a loner. …Kind of like <em>someone else</em> I know.” Connor smiled ever so slightly.</p><p>Nathan scoffed. “Plenty of people are bad at socializing. Together, we shall clearly conquer the introverts.”</p><p>Connor rolled his eyes. “Tina said you were being an ass to Gavin.”</p><p>Nathan narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want to spend time with someone who’s a dick to my brother, so sue me.”</p><p>“…What did you do?”</p><p>Nathan unscrewed the bottle cap on his soda. “I told him I don’t want to see him.”</p><p>“What, like you cancelled a date or something?”</p><p>“No. Think more… permanent.” He’d thought it over a few times since then. He’d expected some… schism in his soul or something, after rejecting his soulmate. Maybe Cliff would just… disappear.</p><p>But nothing happened, just like every story on those relatively rare occasions where soulmates were rejected. Still, experiencing it in person felt like it should be <em>more</em>… but it wasn’t. The fact of the matter was, Gavin was still a stranger. Nathan just didn’t feel anything about ending what nonexistent relationship they’d had.</p><p>Well… there had been <em>something</em> small, but it seemed more like curiosity than anything else. The question of if they could have been something… dashed. And the idea that there wouldn’t be anything. It was… almost sad. But Nathan would then remind himself he had other things to focus on, and he did.</p><p>Connor’s eyes widened. “You told Gavin… you never wanted to see him again?”</p><p>“Basically.”</p><p>Connor stepped closer to the counter. “You told your soulmate, after finally finding him, and his finally finding <em>you</em>, that you <em>never</em> want to see him again?”</p><p>“…Yes.”</p><p>Connor sighed. “Look, I know you were never a fan of the whole soulmate thing, but have you considered that not everyone else is like you?” They’d had this argument for years. Connor had gone on a dozen Journeys and nothing ever came of it. His companion, a small Shiba named Betty, just dragged him all over the place. Then he’d been with Elijah and seemingly given up, until Elijah found <em>his</em> soulmate. Which had made Nathan’s new job working for Elijah kind of awkward, but the guy seemed decent and hadn’t commented on Connor much, so everything seemed fine.</p><p>Nathan, meanwhile, had been happy to focus on his schooling and his career, with no time for dating or finding his ‘other half’. One of their worst arguments was when Nathan had commented that if Connor stopped thinking with his dick, maybe he’d be able to get a better paying job.</p><p>They hadn’t spoken for a month after that. Nathan took Connor out to a very nice dinner and apologized profusely, but there were still moments where he was unsure if full forgiveness was given.</p><p>“And maybe being told by your soulmate that they never want to see you again would be kind of crushing?” Connor finished.</p><p>“Well that <em>was</em> part of the point. If you want to emphasize that someone did something bad, there have to be consequences.”</p><p>“Gavin isn’t a schoolchild you’re teaching appropriate behavior to.”</p><p>Nathan rolled his eyes. “You’re right. He’s just an adult who yelled at a coworker and called him a coward at work.”</p><p>Connor’s gaze went chilly. “You’re right, Nathan. Gavin’s not a child.” He tilted his head slightly. “<em>You</em> are.”</p><p>Nathan rolled his eyes again and took a quick sip before replying, “Ah yes, so <em>mature</em>. Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do if you learned Elijah did to me what Gavin did to you?”</p><p>“Elijah knows I’d garrote him if he tried to fuck with you. Although you’d… probably garrote him first. Or something. But also, I knew him for a long time. And things didn’t work out. He found Chloe, and I was happy for them, particularly since things were sometimes… just <em>off </em>between us. <em>You</em> barely know Gavin. Plus, he apologized, and it ended up giving Hank and I the push we needed to start dating, so… water under the bridge. …Although I also don’t really work with Gavin much, so that helps. He mostly works with cats, and I mostly work with dogs.” He smiled. “Besides, you never held a grudge against Elijah for our relationship. You’re working for him!”</p><p>“People will do a lot of things for a paycheck.”</p><p>Connor raised an eyebrow.</p><p>Nathan sighed. “I also understand that your relationship ended because there was an emotional absence between the two of you, not because he was… verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive.”</p><p>“Which you took my word for. Which is what you’re… shall we say, <em>hesitant</em>, to do now.”</p><p>Nathan tapped his fingers on the counter, considering. “You want me to give Gavin another chance, then?”</p><p>Connor sighed. “I can’t and won’t force you to interact with him or have a relationship with him. I would <em>like</em> you to give him another chance, though. At least… don’t stop giving him a chance just because you think you’re supporting <em>me</em>. I don’t want you to use <em>me</em> as the reason you decide to ignore your soulmate.”</p><p>Nathan frowned.</p><p>Connor sighed again. “Nathan, have you considered that maybe, just <em>maybe</em>, this could make you happier?”</p><p>“You think someone like <em>him</em> is what’s going to make me happy?” After a lifetime of asking himself what <em>truly</em> made him happy… it was hard to picture. He knew how the media depicted it. How Connor talked about it. How some of the friends he’d had over the years talked about it. But it was never something that really stuck with him as a goal. And certainly, in the moments where he wondered if he was just missing something, he’d hoped for someone better than… well…</p><p>“I think you’re soulmates for a reason. And I don’t know what that reason is, but maybe you can figure it out together.”</p><p>Nathan grimaced. Certainly, Nathan had been fed up over the years with people who prejudged him. Maybe there was more to Gavin than met the eye. Likely there was, given how people worked. Which was <em>exhausting.</em></p><p>Still. “Did he put you up to this?”</p><p>Connor snorted. “No. And I’m kind of insulted you think I’d do that. Besides… the most he’s asked of me in weeks is to move so he can use the office microwave.”</p><p>Nathan was quiet for a while, thinking it over. “You say you think we could make each other happy. Even ignoring everything else, don’t you think it’s a bad sign that he didn’t even fight for… for us?”</p><p>“As far as I’m aware, there wasn’t an ‘us’ between you. You know the stories where soulmates fight and one partner doesn’t want to be with the other partner. Those fights <em>never</em> end well. Maybe that’s <em>not</em> why Gavin’s didn’t ‘fight’ for you, but it could be a reason as much as anything else.”</p><p>Nathan sighed and said, “Fine.”</p>
<hr/><p>Gavin was at work late again, going through files, reviewing a case he realized he’d been working on for about two hours without really reading anything. He sighed, checked the clock - noticed it said ‘1:12 AM’, and got up to go get a drink from the office kitchen. He snagged his phone and checked it out of habit. He paused when he realized he’d missed some texts.</p><p>The first few were from Tina, who’d written “Heading out, since you’re not really speaking to me.” Then an hour later, “Go to bed. I know you’re still at the office.” Then an hour later, “I MEAN IT, Gavin! Go to bed!”</p><p>The last was from… from Nathan. Around 9:40 PM.</p><p> </p><p>[Nathan]: Hey, you still want to meet up? I don’t like to go out after work, but I have the weekends off.</p><p> </p><p>Gavin blinked, then reread the message. Then read it again. He paced for a minute, then set the phone down, and paced some more. He scrabbled his hands through his hair. Why was Nathan texting him <em>now? </em>He’d made things pretty clear when they talked. And it had been weeks. And… well.</p><p>Maybe it was the soulmate thing. Gavin knew soulmates were drawn to each other in weird ways.</p><p>…What if it was about getting back at Gavin in some new way, for Connor? But… but most people didn’t do that, right? Random guys with dogs and brothers like Connor didn’t just beat up guys who were mean to their brother right?</p><p>Gavin scrabbled at his hair some more.</p><p>…But what if this was genuine? What if Nathan had a change of heart and wanted to give things a shot? Gavin could apologize in person, and… any maybe…?</p><p>Kyle’s ghostly laughter taunted him, reminding him of what waited for him if he just ignored this.</p><p>The fact of the matter was, he was too desperate to turn it down.</p><p>He picked up his phone and replied.</p><p> </p><p>[Gavin]: Yeah! Happy to! I’m free on the weekend, too. What works for you?</p><p> </p><p>Gavin stared at the message before smacking himself in the forehead. He just texted the guy at 1 AM, what if he woke Nathan up? What a dick move. <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid…</em></p><p>He blinked as he got another text.</p><p> </p><p>[Nathan]: Okay. Saturday. Lunch? 11:45 AM?</p><p> </p><p>Gavin huffed a laugh. He couldn’t believe it.</p><p> </p><p>[Gavin]: Yeah. That works. Sorry for waking you up. At work late. Where do you wanna go?</p><p> </p><p>Gavin grimaced. Was he responding too quickly? Was it too desperate? Was that a turn-off?</p><p>But Nathan didn’t comment on it. Just listed a restaurant, asking if that was okay.</p><p> </p><p>[Gavin]: Sounds great. Meet you there.</p><p>[Nathan]: Good.</p><p> </p><p>Gavin put his phone down and put his face in his hands.</p><p>Eventually he turned his computer off and went home.</p>
<hr/><p>[Gavin]: So flowers aren’t a good idea</p><p>[Tina]: I think most people like flowers. Maybe he’ll like flowers. Who knows? Connor doesn’t know, and I don’t know, and you don’t know. Bring flowers if you want to bring flowers.</p><p>[Gavin]: Maybe he’ll think it’s dumb.</p><p>[Tina]: So don’t bring flowers.</p><p>[Gavin]: But then it’s just… me.</p><p>[Tina]: Well once you hand him the flowers it’s still just you, so the supposed problem is unavoidable.</p><p> </p><p>Gavin sighed and left the apartment, not setting aside time to buy flowers.</p><p> </p><p>[Tina]: Call me afterward. Or during, if you have to.</p><p>[Gavin]: I will. Thanks.</p><p> </p><p>Gavin was a bit early to the meet-up with Nathan. He didn’t know if he was supposed to get a table or wait. He hadn’t been on a proper date in ages. Although… he didn’t know if this was actually a <em>date</em>. Maybe it was just a meeting for Nathan to tell him off in person.</p><p>Gavin sighed and walked into the restaurant. It was a decent place. He’d been there before, just for takeout. He’d never eaten inside. He didn’t like eating on his own <em>inside</em> a restaurant. He’d chatted with Tina about it, because she was fine with it, but Gavin had always felt uncomfortable with it. It was different to being at a bar alone, and somehow even more depressing. At least when he was alone at a bar he was honest with himself about how depressed he was. He wished he was like Tina, who took lunches alone as a way to get a break from annoying clients and family, but well…</p><p>When he stepped inside, he was surprised to see Nathan waiting in the lobby. Nathan was looking out the window, and watched him walk in. Cliff wasn’t in sight, so at least Gavin wouldn’t be weird for not bringing Rumor. The restaurant was like most in that it let people bring in their Companions, but Gavin almost never brought Rumor anyway, for safety. At least this way, Gavin wouldn’t stand out even more.</p><p>Nathan looked good, of course. He wore a white shirt beneath a black jacket, with good jeans, and his hair looked perfect. Gavin, of course, felt too rumpled, and like maybe he should have picked one of his nicer jackets, not just his normal, worn leather jacket. It was just starting to get cold, and he liked the comfort, and needed the support during this… whatever it was, but maybe he should have just gone with something fancy? To show he was trying?</p><p><em>Too late now</em>, he reminded himself, and smiled awkwardly.</p><p>Nathan wasn’t smiling. His expression was blank.</p><p>“So, uh, hey,” Gavin said. <em>Real winner, there.</em></p><p>“You’re early,” Nathan replied. “Good.” Nathan turned and got an employee’s attention. She grabbed some menus and lead them to a table.</p><p>The table was pretty big, which was a blessing. They had room for Gavin to breathe. Gavin opened the menu to look it over, nervous. He was glad he liked Thai food.</p><p>Once they’d ordered and the waitress had brought over their drinks, Nathan steepled his fingers together on the table and met Gavin’s nervous gaze. “So, you work at Jericho Paws?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m one of the vets. I mostly work with cats.”</p><p>“Not a dog person?”</p><p>“I like dogs just fine. But Hank and Ben focus on dogs, and Jeff does exotics… besides, I just prefer cats. Rumor, my cat, kind of influenced that.” He shrugged. “It’s not that imaginative, I know, plenty of people at vet school pick specialties that have nothing to do with their Companion, but… I just wanted to go with cats.” He was worried that’d be a turn-off. Some dog people were weird like that. Gavin knew that well enough from being a cat person. He didn’t <em>hate</em> dogs. He was just happy enough without owning one.</p><p>“If it’s what you want to do, I don’t think a supposed lack of imagination matters.”</p><p>Gavin smiled nervously. “Yeah.” Gavin turned his drink slightly and asked, “So where do you work?”</p><p>“I’m a mechanical engineer. I started working at CyberLife recently, in the robotics division.”</p><p>“Oh. Uh… So… <em>Awkward</em>, but uh… Elijah Kamski?”</p><p>“…Yes?”</p><p>“Your… boss?”</p><p>“…Yes?”</p><p>“We’re half-brothers.” Gavin smiled awkwardly.</p><p>Nathan blinked at him.</p><p>“…Yeah.” Gavin poked his silverware. “I mean as reveals go it’s not that big, I guess.”</p><p>“…Your brother is Connor’s ex?”</p><p>“Well… yeah. I… accidentally introduced them. Eli came to drop something off at work and… they hit it off.” He smiled sadly. “Of course it didn’t work out…” Gavin swallowed. “I know this is maybe creepy, but Elijah and I went out for dinner a while ago and talked and… he told me you work for him. I wasn’t trying to like stalk you or anything, it just… came up. We’re… well he’s close with Amanda, so…” Gavin swallowed again, then looked up nervously at Nathan, realizing he was babbling. “Sorry.”</p><p>“…So you’re rich?”</p><p>Gavin snorted, feeling sweat on his brow. “No. I don’t have any stake in his company, I don’t get kickbacks or whatever from him. I mean I’m not like… living on the street or anything, though. My salary’s not <em>horrible</em>…”</p><p>Nathan huffed a laugh. “It’s fine. Just wondering if I could guilt trip you into paying for this.”</p><p>Gavin laughed. “I mean I could still cover it, even without being rich.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “How gallant.”</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes. “That is definitely <em>not</em> something anyone has ever made the mistake of calling me.”</p><p>“I’m not surprised.”</p><p>Gavin’s smile shrank, and he looked back down at the table, then met Nathan’s gaze, waiting.</p><p>Nathan wasn’t smiling either, but he continued, “Connor told me you apologized and got him a nice lunch. That was good.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged and looked at the table. “I did a dick thing to him, so…”</p><p>“So, you didn’t apologize like that just because he’s my brother?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“To get on my good side after our phone conversation.”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “I… no? I didn’t even expect Connor to accept the apology. It was just lunch and a note. Why would I expect you to care about it?”</p><p>Nathan tilted his head slightly. “I guess that makes sense.”</p><p>Gavin swallowed and drank more of his tea. His throat just felt too dry.</p><p>“I do appreciate it. The apology.”</p><p>“…Oh. Cool.”</p><p>“Connor’s… one of the most important people in the world to me, alongside our mother. So.” Nathan straightened his napkin and continued, “How about we start over then? I’m Nathan. I work for your brother, apparently.”</p><p>Gavin blinked, snorted, and replied, “Sure. I’m Gavin and I work with <em>your</em> brother, apparently.”</p><p>“Your Companion – Rumor? She has prosthetic legs?” When Gavin blinked at him in surprise, Nathan continued, “I noticed how they gleamed against her fur. A former coworker had a Companion with three legs, and gave him a prosthetic to replace the lost limb.”</p><p>Gavin nodded. “Yeah, her legs were paralyzed when she was hit by a car when I was little. For a while she used mobility carts, then Eli found some folks who were doing stuff with cat prosthetics, and he’s been updating them ever since, which she loves. She’s very… driven when she wants to get somewhere.”</p><p>“I’d love to meet her more… officially sometime, if you want.”</p><p>Gavin smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that. And to meet… Cliff? Your Companion?”</p><p>Nathan nodded, smiling again.</p><p>Their food arrived, and they took some time to appreciate it.</p><p>“I’ll have to come back here,” Nathan said after a while. “This place is pretty good.”</p><p>“Yeah I’ve been here a couple times. It’s great.”</p><p>“I’m new in the area. Perhaps you could send me some suggestions.”</p><p>“Sure!” Gavin ate some more of his curry. After he swallowed, he started, “So uh…” <em>Why did you never go looking for me?</em> He swallowed the words down and took another bite of his meal. It was <em>way</em> too needy. He wanted to know, though. It had always bugged him. If his soulmate was out there and alive, why hadn’t they gone looking for Gavin? Gavin had been afraid of taking Rumor out, because he might lose her, but he hoped his soulmate didn’t have the same inhibitions. And he’d gotten a decent look at Cliff. The dog looked able-bodied. …But maybe there was something else with him. Gavin had seen plenty of animals with invisible illness over the years to know that.</p><p>He’d wait until he met Cliff more formally, anyway. Then he’d ask. Or just not, because it was probably rude. Even if Cliff was perfectly fine, there could be plenty of perfectly reasonable reasons that Nathan never went on his Soul Journey. And besides, he should just get to know <em>Nathan</em> right? He was just grateful the guy was <em>here</em>.</p><p>…But what if Nathan hadn’t sought Gavin out was because he just didn’t <em>want</em> to seek Gavin out? What if he didn’t want a soulmate? Nathan was being friendly now that they’d gotten past the whole <em>Connor</em> thing, but… did he really want to be here?</p><p>“So, are you from Detroit?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“Oh, uh—” <em>Focus, dumbass</em>, “No. I <em>am</em> from Michigan, but…”</p>
<hr/><p>If Nathan was surprised about anything during dinner, it was how easily the conversation moved along. Gavin was a decent conversationalist, when he forgot his nervousness. They ended up talking about cooking. Simple conversation, but then, Nathan had always struggled with that sort of thing.</p><p>“I find cooking tedious,” Nathan replied. “I can do it, of course, but it… takes time I’d rather spend on other things. Sleeping, reading… Anything at all.”</p><p>“I spent a lot of time with the maid who cooked for us, when I was a kid,” Gavin replied. “So, I learned a lot of cooking tricks. I just like watching people put things together, you know? It’s just cool. Of course, the cleaning up <em>afterward</em>—” He made a face. “But well… you gotta commit to it all. Which can be off-putting. It’s a big commitment, sometimes. A lot of times.”</p><p>“Do you have any favorite recipes?”</p><p>“Mmm… depends on my mood,” Gavin smiled. “Sometimes I just get cravings for stuff. And then that’s my current favorite thing. Until it’s the next favorite thing.” He shook his head. “I’m not like… a chef or anything. I try to keep it simple. But I try <em>not</em> to get to the point where I lose interest in food.” He grimaced. “That… happened for a bit when I was younger. Was pretty bad.”</p><p>Nathan smiled in commiseration. “Before I moved… I had that issue, too. Everything tasted bad. I had no interest in eating. Even thinking of food would make me nauseous. Moving here was such a shift… I nearly cried when I was in the mood for going out again. It made just getting a fast food cheeseburger suddenly dramatic.” He shook his head, ruefully. “It was such a change in pace. A good one.”</p><p>“I’m glad things got better,” Gavin smiling. “If… if you want to talk about it…? You can. But you don’t have to.”</p><p>Nathan stirred his food a little. “My previous job… I took on more than I could handle, and it all kind of… came down on me. I was overwhelmed with stress. My co-workers didn’t have my back, nor did my supervisor. I was in danger of doing permanent damage to my career. I started out as this hopeful little newbie, climbed my way up this cutthroat ladder, reached a position where I felt comfortable, and then…” He sighed. “And I was there for a long time, too. Only to realize that my distance had isolated me, left me without people to rely on when I needed them.” He put his fork down. “I reached out to my mother for help, and she got me out of there. The job here is… challenging, but it’s a new environment and it’s got my attention and I feel like I can <em>breathe</em>. And I’m not making the same mistakes. I’m trying to be closer with my colleagues, even floated the idea of a trivia night or something, since I don’t much care for happy hours.” He smiled, a bit wanly. “I’m hopeful, for the first time in a while.”</p><p>“That sounds really good,” Gavin said. “I’m happy for you.”</p><p>Nathan swallowed and looked away. “I haven’t really talked to anyone about that, other than my mother. Even Connor doesn’t know how terrible it was, really.”</p><p>“…Oh. OH. Well… I’m honored. That you’d tell me.” Gavin’s cheeks were a bit red.</p><p>“Well, we <em>are</em> soulmates.”</p><p>“Yeah, but… you didn’t have to say anything. It’s cool.”</p><p>Nathan shrugged. “So, what hobbies do you have <em>besides</em> cooking?”</p><p>Gavin laughed. “I don’t really have any… I stress bake sometimes. It’s dumb… I got in the habit when I was younger and it got worse recently with my ex…” He took another bite and chewed it quickly and swallowed. “TV and stuff. Normal stuff.”</p><p>“So you’ve dated before?”</p><p>“Yeah, I mean… Well… Kyle. It’s… not worth getting into.”</p><p>“If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to talk about it.”</p><p>“No, I mean… Well…” Gavin swallowed nervously. “I was kind of desperate with the whole <em>no soulmate</em> thing, and… Kyle was <em>there</em>.” He grimaced.</p><p>“It sounds like it wasn’t a good relationship.”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s kind of my <em>thing</em>, you know? Shitty relationships. Kyle’s soulmate was married, so he was kind of bitter about it. But he used to lord it over me. Like… at least he <em>had</em> a soulmate… Whereas someone like me would never…” Gavin grimaced and shook his head. “Anyway, I finally broke it off. I know plenty of people who don’t get together with their soulmates work out, like Tina, my friend, has had some good luck before she met her soulmate, but… not Kyle and I.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that. Wish things had gone better.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “You ever…? Did you ever date anyone?”</p><p>Nathan shook his head. “It wasn’t really dating. I had a few hook-ups in high school and college, mostly just messing around. But it never got past that. I didn’t care for it.”</p><p>“…Oh.”</p><p>“Never really connected to anyone that way.” Nathan paused, looking off into the distance. “Well… I did kind of have a thing for my last boss. It was part of why I nearly burned out on that job. I just wanted to impress him. He was so smart and well-spoken and… everything I’m not. Honestly, maybe it was just envy or hero-worship… But I realized it would always be unrequited and just focused on the work for its own sake. Of course, coming out of it also made me realize how much I hated the work.” He shrugged.</p><p>“Eesh,” Gavin said. “That sucks. Glad you… recovered, though? It sounds like you’re happier.”</p><p>“I am. I think. Yes.” He considered Gavin for a bit, realizing just how much he’d let slip. He was always bad at making conversation, but this was a step beyond that. “You’re pretty easy to talk to, you know?”</p><p>Gavin guffawed. “Ha! Tina – my best friend – would tell you that’s not true. Think she once said a brick wall is kinder.”</p><p>“That’s not very nice.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “It’s the honesty that keeps us together.”</p><p>“If you say so. But personally, I don’t really share a lot. Admittedly I don’t go on dates, but still. I’m glad you’ve been here to listen.”</p><p>Gavin smiled softly at that, and Nathan realized his cheeks were warm.</p>
<hr/><p>“So you just talked?” Tina asked over speakerphone. The phone rested on the blankets on Gavin’s bed, while Gavin lay on his black, glaring miserably at the ceiling. Ru was settled by his feet.</p><p>“Yeah, we just talked. No hugging. No kissing. No fighting. No fucking. Just talked.”</p><p>“Well, thanks for covering all your bases.”</p><p>Gavin sighed, rolled over, and pulled his knee up for something to do. “He seems like a decent guy. I think. I don’t know. It was just lunch.”</p><p>“Are you seeing each other again?”</p><p>“Yeah. Next weekend. He’s bringing his dog over here so we can meet each other’s Companions more officially. And maybe we’ll watch a movie or something.” He wasn’t <em>that</em> excited about being around Cliff as much, given the dog’s penchant for escaping collars, but Companions were supposed to calm down once a soulmate was located and in the vicinity, so he hoped it would be all right.</p><p>Gavin <em>was</em> nervous about having Nathan in his apartment. Maybe it was too messy, or ugly, or he missed a weird spot to clean or something. But Nathan had looked uncomfortable enough thinking about inviting Gavin over to his place, so Gavin had offered to host.</p><p>“Well that sounds good.”</p><p>“…Yeah.”</p><p>“You don’t sound excited.”</p><p>“…I mean…” He sighed. “It’s selfish…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“How old were you when you went on your Journey? Your first one?”</p><p>“Uh… 19?”</p><p>“Kyle went the day after he graduated high school. Elijah went when he turned 22 because he couldn’t be bothered… I’m turning 37, Nathan’s Connor's age, and… did he even go?”</p><p>“Did you ask him?”</p><p>“…No, I mean… Maybe he had his reasons. Could be tons of reasons for it.”</p><p>“That’s what asking him is for, Gavin. If it bothers you. You <em>can</em> ask.”</p><p><em>But what if he answers?</em> Gavin shut his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I know. Communication and all that shit helps a relationship and whatever.”</p><p>“The man <em>can</em> learn. Who knew?”</p><p>Gavin snorted.</p><p>“…Hey, I have an idea.”</p><p>“…What?”</p><p>“Why don’t you… invite him to your birthday party?”</p><p>“…For my birthday that was over a week ago?”</p><p>“Yeah, dummy, the birthday you stayed closeted in your office for, refused all attempts to go out, and stared at me like a zombie when I insisted on serenading you in your office.”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “Sorry. I just… wasn’t in a good place.”</p><p>Tina sighed. “I know, okay? But we still want to celebrate you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. We can just… get a table at a restaurant. That Chinese place you like, maybe? It’s next to that ice-cream place you liked.”</p><p>“…Ugh, fine, I’ll ask. No guarantees he’ll go.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, it’s worth asking.” He could practically <em>see</em> her grin.</p><p>“His schedule’s really tight. When would this even be?”</p><p>“If it’s just dinner it shouldn’t be too hard, even if it’s just like… Friday, when we close early. Or, if you’re willing to postpone your date, it could be this weekend. You know. Keep the groove going?”</p><p>“…I’ll ask him. I don’t want to cancel on him.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Ready to Settle Down. Not like I’m weepingly proud of you or anything.”</p><p>Gavin snorted at that, but now he was smiling, too.</p>
<hr/><p>Nathan was so engrossed in Zoey – Chris’ wife – talking to him about some of the surgeries she’d worked on over the past week, that he barely even remembered it was odd to be sitting next to Gavin at a restaurant he’d never been to, surrounded by people he didn’t know.</p><p>It was a nice place, but not too overwhelming, which was good.</p><p>Connor showed up late, of course, apologizing.</p><p>Nathan had to elbow him and say, quietly, “You might want to mess with your collar, although probably everyone’s seen it by now.”</p><p>Connor blinked, flushed, and excused himself to the bathroom. He returned – his shirt fixed and hiding his hickey – and smiled at everyone.</p><p>Nathan felt at least a little better with Connor at his side. Gavin and the others hadn’t pulled any fastballs on him; in fact, all the group seemed quite nice. Tina was fun, her girlfriend was hilarious, and Chris and Zoey seemed fun, too. Gavin had taken to listening more than leading the conversation.</p><p>Nathan was fascinated by Tina’s chameleon Companion, who stayed on her shoulder. The creature was easy to miss, but clearly she adored Tina, although sometimes it seemed like she wanted to jump to Tina’s soulmate – Grace – who didn’t have her Companion with her.</p><p>Tina was actually the only one at the table with a Companion, although there were a few restaurant goers who had theirs. Someone at the neighboring table had a small cat in their lap. The table next to them had a dog sitting patiently at someone’s feet.</p><p>Connor was a bit antsy and finally, after the food was set out, said, “So I can’t hold it in. Hank’s my soulmate!”</p><p>Everyone at the table stared at him.</p><p>“Really?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“Yeah.” Connor laughed. “It’s… we found out today.”</p><p>“You…” Tina frowned. “But… how?? You’ve worked together for years!”</p><p>“Sumo’s too big for him to bring into work, and I never have the time to bring Betty around, so I’ve never brought her in, either.”</p><p>“But you’ve gone on so many Soul Journeys…” Nathan said, frowning.</p><p>“Yeah. We thought maybe it’s because Hank was moving around a lot for the shared custody with Cole or something. Plus, he’s moved house three times in the past few years.” Connor lowered his voice. “He has bad luck picking apartments. So he’s just… moved.”</p><p>“Well… congratulations?” Grace offered, smiling. “That’s great news.”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s…” Connor sighed. “We’re really happy. We knew the minute I brought Betty over today.” He shook his head. “I still haven’t fully realized it, I think.”</p><p>“Grats, dude,” Gavin said, smiling.</p><p>Connor smiled back.</p><p>Nathan was at least happy to see actual evidence that they were getting along. He’d assumed Connor’s invitation was to make Nathan feel less alone, but Connor clearly had good relationships with Chris and Tina, and seemed to get along just fine with their partners.</p><p>The dinner itself was pretty good, and Gavin made some good selections, which Nathan was happy to see. Twice in a row he had good taste in something, which was nice.</p><p>He chastised himself for that, realizing that even for <em>him</em>, it was petty.</p><p>Once, when Tina got up to go to the bathroom, Gavin leaned over to Nathan and quietly asked, “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yes, this is all very nice.”</p><p>“Oh, cool. Just… let me know if you’re not having fun or whatever.” Then he smiled nervously, which… was kind of cute, actually. “Thanks for coming.”</p><p>Nathan smiled slightly, feeling his cheeks warm for some reason. “Thank you for the invitation.”</p><p>Tina returned and the conversation moved around.</p><p>“What drew you to engineering?” Chris asked as he moved some string beans to his plate.</p><p>“My mother works in AI,” Nathan replied as he picked up his rice bowl. “So we always had a library of books on robotics and that kind of thing, and she always had friends and colleagues in the field around. As a child, I also liked taking machines apart and learning how to put them back together… so mechanical engineering just made sense.”</p><p>“So, do you like… actually enjoy it?” Tina asked.</p><p>Nathan considered that for a bit. “I think so. The work is fulfilling and the challenge is enjoyable. I also get to meet a great number of interesting people.”</p><p>“Well I’m glad you like it,” Zoey said.</p><p>Nathan smiled, but felt a bit nervous about the focus being on him. He looked at Gavin, who blinked when Nathan turned to him, then quickly looked down at his own food, his cheeks reddening.</p><p><em>He’s so nervous about this</em>. Nathan could relate. “So, your birthday’s in October, Gavin. Do you ever combine it with Halloween?” Gavin had told him the party was <em>after</em> his birthday, but it was still in October.</p><p>Rather than something easy to change the conversation to, the question made Gavin flinch. “Uh… no. Not really.”</p><p>“…Oh.” Nathan wondered what that was about? More nerves?</p><p>“Must have made trick-or-treating fun,” Zoey said.</p><p>“Never went, so… I don’t know,” Gavin replied.</p><p>“You never went trick-or-treating?” Zoey replied, her eyes wide.</p><p>Gavin smiled bitterly. “Yeah, my… parents didn’t… believe in Halloween, I guess. Not like… because of their religion or whatever, but… they thought it was a stupid waste of time for kids. We always had to do homework or… study or whatever.”</p><p>“…Well that’s shitty,” Tina said. “I always loved trick-or-treating.”</p><p>“I was talking to Chris about dressing up as playing cards this year,” Zoey said. “You know, those couple costumes?”</p><p>“That would be <em>amazing</em>,” Tina replied, grinning.</p><p>Nathan was still watching Gavin, though.</p><p>He was staring… <em>through</em> his plate, his expression unreadable.</p><p>“Gavin?” he asked, quietly.</p><p>Gavin slowly blinked, then looked at him. “Huh?”</p><p>“You all right?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine.”</p><p>“…Sorry I brought it up.”</p><p>“Naw, it’s cool. I’m just distracted.” He smiled. “Sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”</p><p>Gavin huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I have a way of always bringing the mood down. Anyway, how’s your chicken?”</p><p>Nathan knew Gavin was a bad actor, but he didn’t want to push.</p><p>“It’s really very good. This place is amazing.”</p><p>“I know right? I’d eat here all the time if I could.” The smile this time was more genuine, which… did something odd to Nathan’s heart.</p><p>He realized this might be setting a trend of some kind, and couldn’t tell if he liked it or not. But he <em>did</em> like that Gavin wasn’t staring <em>through</em> things anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Courage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all so much for the love this has gotten! I know it's been a bit of a journey, and there's some rough stuff in this chapter. But! This does have a happy ending! I promise!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gavin flicked the cat dancer back and forth as he stood in his ‘living room’ area and watched Rumor chase excitedly after it. She’d been energetic when he got back from dinner, and he was sad she’d been cooped up all day. Probably not as sad as she was, though.</p><p>All in all, Gavin though the dinner went pretty well. He was full of food he just wanted to eat again tomorrow, he got to hear some new stories from Chris and Zoey that he’d missed out on in the times he kept refusing to go out. And Grace seemed like a great person. He was really happy for Tina. It made him a bit sad to think of what he’d been missing out on by being a flake, but he tried to focus on how they were together for this, and that was what mattered.</p><p>And Nathan seemed to enjoy himself, maybe, Gavin didn’t know. He smiled and said the food was good and laughed and participated in conversation, and that meant he was having fun, right? He’d even talked to Gavin of his own accord a few times, which… was not something Gavin had expected.</p><p>Gavin had spent much of the night terrified of accidentally touching Nathan and just… making it weird. The feeling had faded, slowly, but it was there. Particularly when they’d gone to get ice-cream and the store was so much smaller than a restaurant, and they’d been squeezing around while waiting and ordering. Nathan hadn’t said anything about it, but it was still nerve-wracking.</p><p>At least Nathan had seemed to not hate all of Gavin’s food decisions.</p><p>And during dessert…</p><p>Gavin flushed. When Nathan had seen the waffle ice cream, the look of amazement on his face… And he’d practically ignored everyone as he focused on eating.</p><p>…It was cute. And Gavin couldn’t believe he was thinking of it. He’d tried not to <em>stare</em>, but it had been hard. And then when Gavin asked how it was going, Nathan had just smiled so brightly, Gavin almost fell over.</p><p>He laughed as Ru did a butt wiggle and lunged. Cat butt wiggles always looked so silly. But it was just how they hunted.</p><p>He wished he wasn’t as ridiculous when he did something embarrassing.</p><p>The Halloween thing was stupid. Maybe if he was drunk he’d have made a joke or something about it.</p><p>He sighed and flipped around cat dancer some more. He didn’t <em>hate</em> Halloween. When he’d been little, he’d rather liked it. School always had the best decorations, there was candy, there were lots of neat cartoon marathons that even Gavin could catch on the rare occasions he could have the TV on… As an adult he usually got a thing of orange sugar cookies, Reese’s, kettle corn, or whatever to while away the night with a movie marathon during the holiday. The previous year he and Tina had gone to a costume party by one of her friends, and it had been great – decent music, decent food, Tina had done some stupid dancing with him, they laughed at all the silly costumes... And then Gavin had woken up at home with the worst hangover he’d had in years.</p><p>Tonight, Tina had focused on Nathan and making him feel involved, which Gavin appreciated. Before they’d all went their separate ways at the end of the night, Tina had pulled him aside and asked him if he was okay.</p><p>“Had a great time,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for bugging me into this.”</p><p>She smiled. “Good. Just make sure when you plan my birthday party it’s <em>way</em> better.”</p><p>“No promises.”</p><p>Maybe everyone just forgot how weird he’d been about just… being asked about Halloween. Yeah. Everyone totally did. People had their own fucked up lives to bother themselves about.</p><p>He yawned. “Aight, Ru, time for bed.”</p><hr/><p>Nathan thought Gavin’s apartment complex looked normal enough. He felt… oddly nervous about this. He’d visited a few friends when he was much younger, and Connor’s place, of course, but that was it. For some reason he’d been expecting <em>more</em>. Like someone would burst out with a celebratory sign of some kind to indicate the tectonic shift in his life. Every step already felt like an earthquake.</p><p>He’d rethought his outfit a dozen times. Triple-checked Cliff’s collar. He could admit to himself he was nervous, although he didn’t quite know <em>why</em>. Yes, there was… <em>something</em> right about being around Gavin, but it wasn’t the ‘true love’ depicted in books and films and shows. It seemed to just complicate things, really.</p><p>And Nathan was afraid, too. Afraid that if he leaned into that feeling too much, something very bad would happen. He’d leaned into his emotions too much at his last job, and look what happened. Detachment helped him quiet his intrusive thoughts, improve his work, and leave him the emotional time in his day to call Connor and his mother.</p><p>Perhaps the problem would take care of itself. Nathan was used to being called ‘cold’ and ‘distant’ and ‘overly harsh’. Gavin would likely see all of these traits and call an end to things himself. And Nathan would move on with his life.</p><p>Nathan had sighed when <em>that</em> thought first crossed his mind. Therapists had helpfully pointed out that he had a history of withdrawing into himself starting from being a shy kid to being rejected by his peers over his perceived flaws. Most of it was a defense mechanism, that just manifested in more withdrawal. More aloofness. A cycle that kept feeding on itself. The more people noted how cold he seemed, the colder he became. It was part of what made Nathan question if the boss he’d crushed on simply never noticed him that way out of lack of interest, or if his coldness had turned the man off.</p><p>But that wasn’t the case here. He was not… <em>disinterested</em> in Gavin out of some protective instinct born from a fear of rejection. He just wasn’t <em>interested</em>.</p><p>When Gavin opened the door at Nathan’s knock, Nathan noticed the man looked as neat as he had during the date. He wore a flattering – if slightly tight – gray shirt – and good jeans. And he was barefoot, which made sense.</p><p>Nathan tried not to stare at the shirt. He’d thought Gavin looked decently attractive <em>before</em> knowing the man had a very nice chest, too.</p><p>Sometimes his dick was a <em>dick</em> and Nathan heartily resented the fact.</p><p>But was that all this was? Lust? Was it the slow process of warming to a potential new friendly acquaintance? Was it whatever genetic pull that was called a soulmate? The lack of a firm answer was infuriating.</p><p>“Hey,” Gavin said, smiling as he stepped back to let Nathan and Cliff in. He shut the door after them. Cliff walked up to Gavin and sniffed his legs.</p><p>Gavin looked up at Nathan, who nodded encouragingly, before lightly scratching Cliff’s ears.</p><p>“Hello,” Nathan said, looking around the apartment. It was nice, really. Clean and sunny with the blinds open.</p><p>“Do you want anything to drink?” Gavin asked as he walked to the kitchen.</p><p>Cliff returned to sniffing the room.</p><p>“I’m all right, thank you,” Nathan said, walking around the living room while keeping an eye on Cliff. The dog followed him obediently. There was an island separating the kitchen from the rest of the area, and a small hallway to the side leading to some darkened rooms.</p><p>“Cool. Just uh… let me know if you change your mind.” Gavin took a swig of something in a cup.</p><p>There was a loud meow and Nathan looked down to see Rumor standing by his feet, looking up at him.</p><p>He smiled down at her. “Hello.”</p><p>“Ah, Ru!” Gavin darted forward and snatched her up before Nathan could do anything. He backed away a step, then froze, stared at Nathan, and blanched. “I… uh…”</p><p>Nathan stared back.</p><p>Gavin swallowed and set her back down on the ground. She wandered closer to Nathan again. “Sorry. You can… You can pet her or pick her up or whatever if you want. Just uh… Just be careful?” He looked at Cliff. “And you can let him off his leash, too. If you want.”</p><p>“Of course.” Nathan unclipped Cliff’s collar and the dog walked over to Gavin.</p><p>Gavin looked down at Cliff.</p><p>Nathan leaned down and lightly pet Rumor’s head. The cat nuzzled his fingers.</p><p>“Her prosthetics are incredible,” Nathan said, crouching down and sitting on the floor for better access. He didn’t pick her up.</p><p>“Yeah… Elijah designed this model. They’re still kind of new, but she seems to love em.”</p><p>“I’ve heard about Cyberlife’s pet prosthetics division, but never reviewed their work up close.” Nathan lightly pet Ru’s spine as she sat down by him. “She’s also quite beautiful.”</p><p>Gavin smiled. “Prettiest princess out there.” Gavin also sat down on the ground, too, to better scratch Cliff’s ears. The dog was panting happily and leaning into Gavin’s movements.</p><p>They stayed like that for a bit, just admiring their Companions. It was almost a comfortable silence.</p><p>Finally, Gavin stood up and said, “Well uh… we can sit on the couch, maybe watch something? I’ve got popcorn, uh… a veggie tray, I don’t know what it is you’re into…”</p><p>Nathan stood up as Gavin walked back into the kitchen to pull out some covered dishes before carrying them over to the coffee table in front of the television.</p><p>“Do you need any help?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Gavin set everything down. “Just be careful with Ru. She doesn’t jump on the coffee table, but she <em>will</em> grab for shit.”</p><p>“Cliff seems to only go for pizza,” Nathan replied. “But it <em>is</em> quite frustrating.”</p><p>Gavin chuckled, and Nathan found himself smiling at the sound. His face warmed. Maybe this was good? <em>Was</em> it good?</p><p>Yes?</p><p>…Or maybe he was showing off? What did Cliff trying to steal food they weren’t eating have to do with anything?</p><p>He swallowed and focused on the covered plates, lightly removing the plastic wrap to find some carrots, broccoli, snap peas, and dip. Gavin had texted to ask him about allergies beforehand, which Nathan had been surprised by. Nathan left the bowl of popcorn alone and dipped some broccoli in onion dip. He glanced to his right and noticed Rumor was watching him.</p><p>“You don’t get any,” Nathan said, very serious. “Gavin said I should watch you.”</p><p>“Stronger foes have fallen to her gaze,” Gavin replied, walking over to sit down on the couch with his drink. “She’s a fighter.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “You should see Cliff whining. He’s a big, manipulative baby.” He glanced back, which was a mistake, because Gavin grinned.</p><p>Nathan sat back on the couch – a reasonable distance away from Gavin, he hoped – and ate his broccoli to cover his blush. Okay, so Gavin was <em>attractive</em>.</p><p>“Anything you want to watch?”</p><p>Nathan shrugged. “I don’t really have any preferences.”</p><p>Gavin flipped on a cooking channel Nathan didn’t recognize, and they sat back.</p><p>Nathan noticed that Cliff had wandered over to Gavin’s side, but was watching Nathan and not getting up on the couch without permission.</p><p>“Um…” Nathan frowned. “Cliff likes the couch, but he’ll stay on the floor if you want.”</p><p>Gavin looked at Cliff, swallowed, and said, “Yeah, he can get up on the couch, it’s fine.”</p><p>Cliff hopped up at Nathan’s signal, curling up against Gavin. Gavin seemed a little nervous about it, still, but he leaned down an arm to pet Cliff’s side.</p><p>Rumor also hopped up to settle between the humans.</p><p>“This is still weird,” Gavin said. “No offense, I mean… It’s weird, right? I mean you see all the stories and people talk about it, but seeing it in person, with <em>your</em> Companion…?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Nathan replied. “It is… strange.” He looked down and Rumor seemed perfectly content to settle by his hip. Nathan had never been <em>that</em> into cats before. But Rumor was a pretty cat, with her patterned fur, and her prosthetics sparkled when she moved.</p><p>They watched the show for a while before Nathan hazarded the question, “So… with Rumor… what happened?”</p><p>Gavin blinked, swallowed his popcorn, and replied, “Uh… she was hit by a car as a kitten. Her legs had to be amputated.”</p><p>“Damn. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It was my fault. It was raining, I ran into the road, she ran after me.” Gavin’s expression was distant and he was looking away from Nathan.</p><p>“You don’t have to talk about it…” Nathan started, cursing himself. His curiosity had ignored the fact that it was most likely a traumatic memory. He hadn’t been paying enough attention, like a moron. “Sorry…”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Gavin replied, smiling ever so slightly. “I just don’t really talk about it. I don’t… introduce a ton of people to Ru, so they don’t really know about her outside of like… what breed she is. I show pictures, but I’m pretty vague about it.” He scratched his head. “I’ve thought about bringing her in for visits at work. She’d love the people. I’m just… very nervous. I almost lost her once.”</p><p>“You should only do what makes you comfortable,” Nathan said. “If you don’t want to risk it, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing. I can’t imagine losing Cliff.” Nathan reached out to gently rub Cliff’s side, and the dog panted happily at him.</p><p>Gavin smiled. “Yeah.”</p><p>Nathan felt his throat tighten at that little nervous smile, but kept his expression neutral.</p><p>They were quiet for a while. Nathan stole covert glances at Gavin. Or at least, what he thought was covert. Gavin pet Ru some, and even scratched Cliff’s head a bit.</p><p>It was nice.</p><p>Nathan looked back at the screen. His mother never found her soulmate. And she’d been perfectly happy. She married someone whose soulmate died some years prior, and then he’d died shortly after Connor was born. But still, she’d been happy, raising the two of them. He knew there were a few dates here and there, and she’d even gone on another two Journeys when Nathan was in high school. But her Companion – a poodle named Ike – had never led to her soulmate.</p><p>Still, Amanda said she was happy with her life.</p><p>Nathan had always assumed he’d follow suit, insofar as being happy without a soulmate. If his soulmate wasn’t, like Nathan, just waiting until the time was right, maybe they didn’t really exist.</p><p>…But Gavin existed.</p><p>“So are your parents nearby?” Nathan asked, looking for something to say. “Since you said you grew up sort of around here?”</p><p>“Oh… uh…” Gavin laughed. “No. My mom passed when I was four, and my father… he lives with his wife somewhere, I dunno. I haven’t spoken with them in years.”</p><p>“Ah. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Naw, it’s… actually complicated? Do you want the sob story?”</p><p>“Well we are… soulmates. I guess?”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “My dad… cheated on his soulmate.” He scoffed after he noticed Nathan’s eyes widen. “I know right? Real <em>winner</em> there. My mother didn’t know he was married, let alone that he’d found his soulmate already. Apparently it was just a hook-up after a bad day at my father’s work or something. Turned into a few weeks of meetups. Then Dad’s wife contacted my mother and explained everything. Mom broke things off.” He leaned back and lowered the volume on the TV. “I don’t remember being that little, really. I <em>do</em> remember her funeral, though. I was like… four? Only because people wanted me to wear this tiny suit and everything. Then I moved in with the Kamski’s.” He swallowed. “They didn’t like me. My stepmother, because I wasn’t hers, and I guess I was proof that she was stuck with a scumbag, and my dad, because I was proof of his infidelity. And probably he wasn’t getting laid or whatever as a result.” He snorted. “I’m sure plenty of kids have it worse… I had Eli, after all. Some of the time. When he didn’t have his head in the clouds with whatever new thing he was working on, even as a little kid. So I got forgotten at some stores, and my clothes were kind of shit, and if I wanted something to play with, I had to ask Eli for it, because <em>definitely</em> I wasn’t getting anything from my ‘parents’.”</p><p>He sighed. “Then… Ru…” He paused to grab his glass and drink for a bit, then put it back on the table. “I wasn’t really aware of the whole drama with my parents. Mom was… someone I remembered as a room full of tall people in black. I lived with two people I called ‘Mr. Kamski’ and ‘Mrs. Kamski’, and Elijah. But I was just a kid. Kids want people to talk care of them.” Gavin lowered the volume on the TV. His gaze was distant.</p><p>“There was… a thunderstorm. A bad one. We were watching a movie. It actually wasn’t terrible for once. Even had popcorn and everything. A bad bit of lightning hit. The lights went out, and it was all black. I reached out for Mrs. Kamski, who was nearby.” He smiled, sadly. “She slapped my hand away and said, ‘Don’t touch me!’” He grimaced. “I started crying. The Kamski’s got into a fight about it. All I knew was that they were angry, and I was the source of the problem. So… I ran from the room.” He leaned back in the couch. He even pet Cliff when the dog grumbled a bit. Gavin stared at the dog’s fur, idly tracing patterns in it. “At the time, Eli and I used to go to the front yard and play hide and seek with the bushes. It was… the most fun I had, those days, with a family member, anyway. It was a safe space. I think that’s where I wanted to go. So I ran out the front door, for whatever reason forgetting it was pouring buckets.”</p><p>He shook his head. “The lights were all out. I had no idea where I was. I didn’t know Ru ran after me, although of <em>course</em> she would. The driver saw me and swerved, just barely. Didn’t miss the kitten behind me, who wasn’t fast.” He swallowed. “She was lucky to survive.” He shut his eyes. “Things were… well, not <em>worse</em>, I guess, because they were already kind of crap… I don’t know. Ru’s extra health problems meant more bother for the Kamski’s. Taking us to appointments. The money, even though they were sort of rich. Having to take care of her when I was busy at school. I got… this fear that they’d hurt her, for some reason, when I wasn’t there, even with the laws against hurting someone’s Companion. It made me extra paranoid. Didn’t help that the Kamski’s were fighting nearly every day, everywhere. I used to think our house was nothing but arguments.”</p><p>“You didn’t trust the people who cared for you,” Nathan said. “I can see why you’d be worried about Rumor like that.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “I guess…” He swallowed. “Then Eli left for college. He gave me his address and said to call him if I had any problems. <em>Any</em> problems. He knew something was up, but… he was just a teenager, what was he supposed to do?” He swallowed again. “<em>Then </em>things got worse. The Kamski’s stopped stocking the pantry with stuff I could eat. Pretty sure the only reason I hadn’t starved to death before was because Eli was there, and the maid was kind of nice, although she couldn’t make food appear from nothing, and the Kamski’s often ate out.” He smirked. “I remember coming home on a Friday when they’d gone out for the weekend and the pantry was just empty because the maid was going to go shopping on Sunday morning. I made some popcorn, ate the last of the pickles, and had water until the maid showed up Sunday evening to cook dinner for them to come back. She thought they’d taken me with them.”</p><p>“I got in a fight at school. One of the other kids said that since I hadn’t gone with Eli to college, and we were so close in age, I must be an idiot. When I came home, black eye and a cut lip, Mr. Kamski slapped me, and said I was a moron. Mrs. Kamski asked what he’d expected, from the kid of some junkie who OD’d. I waited until it was late, packed up as much as I could carry, and got a taxi to Eli’s college. Eli took me in, hiding me until his supervisor – Amanda – found out. She made some calls, and I was allowed to stay there, but I had to work. I got some part-time jobs, and studied for my GED, then got into college, then vet school. I’ve never gone back to the Kamski’s.”</p><p>Nathan just… digested <em>that</em> for a bit.</p><p>Gavin drank some more.</p><p>“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Nathan finally said. “I can only imagine how hard it was.”</p><p>“Well… we’re soulmates right?” Gavin shook his head. “I don’t even think Tina knows all of it.” He laughed, darkly. “I don’t even know all of it. Probably. I try not to think about it. I’ve been meaning to go back to therapy, but… I just end up being at work all the time. It’s an easy way to drown out everything horrible.”</p><p>“That I can relate to,” Nathan finally added. Which was dumb. What kind of statement was <em>that</em>? “Work’s been my life, too,” he quickly added, as if <em>that </em>would explain… He felt the weight of all Gavin had told him like a sledgehammer. “I mean… when I was younger I was pretty shy. And a bit overwhelmed by everything. Navigating relationships was always hard, given its unpredictability. Homework, on the other hand, typically had defined rules that I could stick to, and it made someone happy – my teachers, my mother – when I completed it, and did well. It was relaxing. And it was something I could bond with other smart kids about… Which led into my competitiveness and of course workaholism.”</p><p>He smiled sadly. “Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed I could go study, or read… and video games, too, would help.” He frowned. “Well, sometimes they were a problem, but my therapist and I worked on it, and I’m much better at dealing with it. It’s just… a struggle I deal with. I got out of them for a while during my last job, because of the stress… I’d basically just go home, eat, and then sleep, because I was so run down. Maybe I’d grab a bit of a book while commuting. But now I’m getting back into games again, and it’s… nice. It’s relaxing again. When I came here I wanted to find the right balance between me time and work, and it’s going along pretty well, I think.” He swallowed. “Sorry. It’s… probably dumb to be happy about… having more time to play video games.”</p><p>“It’s not dumb,” Gavin said, his expression firm. “You’re doing what you need to so you can get through something rough.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I’m glad you have more time to yourself,” Gavin continued, smiling. “It’s good.”</p><p>Nathan smiled back, hoping he wasn’t blushing too much. “Thanks. I’ve reconnected to some old friends online, too. It’s been nice, catching up, seeing what they’re up to. It feels good.”</p><p>Gavin smiled back, then rubbed his neck. “Do you need anything else to drink?” Gavin seemed desperate as he looked at Nathan.</p><p>“No, I’m good.” Nathan glanced at his glass, which he’d barely touched.</p><p>“Oh, yeah, of course.” Gavin swallowed again and looked away.</p><p>“So…” Nathan finally asked, curious, “Did you ever go on a Journey?”</p><p>Gavin stiffened and didn’t look at him. “I… never did. By the time I had a chance to go, I was too afraid to risk Ru going out and getting hit again. Even if you’re careful, you never really know, right?” Gavin smiled nervously.</p><p>“…Did you <em>want</em> to go?”</p><p>Gavin blinked, then looked at him in surprise. “Yeah! All the time!” He blushed. “I almost went, I don’t know, a dozen times? But every time, I was just too <em>afraid</em>.” He swallowed. “I kind of hoped whoever my soulmate was… would just find <em>me</em>. Or… if they hadn’t, I assumed they didn’t exist.” He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, then shut it firmly.</p><p>Nathan blinked.</p><p>Gavin swallowed. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“What do you have to be sorry for?” Nathan asked, genuinely confused.</p><p>“I didn’t… try to find you?” Gavin replied, frowning at him.</p><p>Nathan started to shrug, then stopped. This was a thing people… like Gavin… really cared about. He couldn’t just… brush it aside.</p><p>His phone buzzed, but he didn’t answer it.</p><p>“What about you?” Gavin asked, still watching him. “How many Journeys did you go on?”</p><p>“I… never went on one.”</p><p>“…Oh.”</p><p>“…Yeah.”</p><p>Gavin resettled himself on the couch a bit, and kind of looked into the middle distance. “Do you… mind me asking why?”</p><p>Nathan opened his mouth, then hesitated.</p><p>“If you don’t want to say, it’s... it’s fine.” Gavin shrugged. “I mean I did kind of just assume, maybe you had some reason like I did for not going. It’d make sense.” He smiled. “Really, it’s cool.” He turned away.</p><p>It wasn’t. Nathan wasn’t a complete idiot and Gavin was a bad actor. The way Gavin’s face was completely expressionless and his gaze was distant, like he was preparing for bad news, because he just… <em>knew…</em></p><p>Nathan could take the pass, though, and just… not say anything.</p><p>But, well… they were clearly going for <em>honesty </em>tonight.</p><p>“Initially it was laziness,” Nathan started, drawing Gavin’s gaze back. “It’s odd, to be a workaholic and still be lazy, maybe, but every bit of energy I’ve had always went into work, and when I was done with work I’d just… go back to reading books or sleeping or video games or walking Cliff to clear my head.” He sighed, not looking at Gavin. “Combine that with my introversion and… I’m very protective of my personal space. I just worry about things. A lot. About things going wrong. If I keep things under control, keep things predictable, I know what’ll happen all the time, so nothing can go wrong.” He swallowed. “It’s not as bad as when I was younger. I went to a lot of therapy and take medication, so it’s easier – but even outside that, I just like… being in control. A soulmate… someone I likely didn’t know… might have put all that at risk.” He grimaced. “And of course I was always busy, anyway, felt too busy to try…” He was grasping at straws now, desperate for some better <em>excuse</em>… “And my mother, she never found her soulmate, but she’s happy, and she’s so smart and successful, and I thought… I could do that, too. And then… there was always something else to do. To keep myself occupied. I just… never found the time to <em>want</em> one.”</p><p>He ran a hand through his hair. “Connor’s always getting on my case about it. Honestly, he… He even came to talk to me when he found out you and I were soulmates and I’d stopped contacting you. But even after the talk I… Well.” He flushed. That was a bad road to go down. “But it led to me contacting you again, so that’s… good.” He smiled awkwardly, but it sounded lame, even to him. His heart just wasn’t in it and he didn’t even know what he was saying, other than that he was rambling.</p><p>Everything felt like an excuse. It was like the Soul Journey was an appointment he’d kept putting off and putting off, and he felt like he was fumbling for something to say.</p><p>And here was Gavin, who had genuine fears related to going on his Soul Journey, and Nathan… just hadn’t bothered because it was too much trouble. Too much break from his <em>routine</em>.</p><p>He could definitely understand Connor’s criticisms <em>now</em>.</p><p>Nathan frowned. It was how he <em>managed</em> to get by with his life. It wasn’t something petty. A soulmate could really fuck that up! When Nathan was younger, he’d talked to his therapist about people like him finding soulmates. His therapist said of course he could find a soulmate, and be happy. Just like any of his friends, he had to make time for that person and work at the relationship, and plenty of people like Nathan were content with that.</p><p>It was a lot of work, but maybe Nathan could be happy like that.</p><p>…It didn’t mean it was something he looked <em>forward</em> to. It was just… a door that wasn’t shut just because Nathan was who he was.</p><p>Gavin didn’t say anything. He was staring at the TV screen now.</p><p>“So, did you… ever start… wanting a soulmate?” Gavin’s voice was quieter.</p><p>Nathan froze. In a foolish attempt to try and… explain… he’d actually made it <em>worse</em>, because… there was no easy “yes” Nathan felt able to say.</p><p>The problem was this: Nathan didn’t dislike Gavin, and knew him better now. But did that translate to wanting to spend the rest of his life with the man?</p><p>Nathan just didn’t know. He wished he did. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was an unwillingness to commit to something that he’d, at best, never cared for in over three decades of living.</p><p>Maybe it was laziness.</p><p>But Gavin wanted honesty.</p><p>Maybe Nathan was bad at people, but he knew admitting the truth right now wouldn’t help anyone.</p><p>So, he stayed silent.</p><p>After a while, Gavin picked up a remote. “Okay. So… you wanna watch a movie or something? I’ve got way too many subscriptions.”</p><hr/><p>That night Nathan sat at his kitchen, staring at his phone, thinking up any number of apology texts or emails. Something. He could tell what he’d said had<em> hurt</em> Gavin, but… he didn’t know how to fix it.</p><p>And really, Nathan had solid reasons for his side! Soulmates were <em>complications</em> – case in point, <em>his!</em> His life had been finally moving forward and then Gavin had walked into his life and suddenly everything was a muddle. He’d had to deal with someone unpleasant, gotten in an argument with Connor, and then had to have a meal with someone who was basically a stranger he’d only had unpleasant interactions with…</p><p>Not that Gavin was horrible, really, past experiences aside. He’d been walking on eggshells, of course, during their interactions after Nathan invited him on that first date. He’d been accommodating in every way possible. Polite. Even funny.</p><p>Still. It was… an <em>interruption</em>. To his routine, his life… What if he had to take more time off after work to deal with this? Would he lose the time he usually spent relaxing and reading on his own? Or decompressing with video games? What if he had to change what times he went shopping? What if he had to move or change jobs or—</p><p>He breathed. The world wasn’t ending. It <em>wasn’t</em>.</p><p>He thought back on the second ‘date’, as it were.</p><p>He’d snuck glances at Gavin during the documentary they’d settled on. Gavin had stared at the screen, but his gaze was distant. They’d had one of those overly polite “who gets to decide” arguments over the movie to watch.</p><p>Gavin had finally said, “My apartment, my rules, you pick.”</p><p>So, Nathan had picked something that looked vaguely interesting – some historical show about a place Nathan had never been.</p><p>Nathan recalled listening to all of the narration in the show, but he couldn’t remember a single bit of it. He was tense the whole hour and a half after their conversation about Gavin’s past and Nathan’s preferences. He tried to think of anything to say. “Give me time” just sounded like a break-up. “I wish I wanted this” was too harsh. “I’m sorry” would be the <em>worst</em>. Nathan just didn’t know.</p><p>It was terrifying, too, to consider dating. Nathan had never been with anyone, outside two hook-ups in college, just to give things a shot. Gavin was the only one of them with dating experience, and look how that turned out! Although it was… petty to bring up Gavin’s experience. Nathan liked to think it was outside of the norm. He hoped, anyway.</p><p>Neither of them had said anything during the film. They’d pet the Companions a little, and that was it.</p><p>Nathan had eaten a little bit of the snacks, and Gavin had some of his drink. When the documentary was over, Nathan politely excused himself to head home, but didn’t miss Gavin flinching when Nathan explained he had something to do.</p><p>Nathan didn’t even remember what excuse he’d made, but he remembered that flinch.</p><p>Nathan sighed. Could someone else really be happy with someone like <em>Nathan</em>, anyway? Someone who constantly stressed over even the tiniest changes in his schedule, who liked routine, who preferred time on his own over time being at risk of getting hurt (like today)… He liked his space. He liked the quiet.</p><p>Sure, it was a bit lonely at times, but… that didn’t mean <em>Gavin</em> was the answer to his problems. And it wasn’t like Nathan had no friends now. He’d received three texts during the pseudo-date with Gavin from three different people. Two coworkers, and an old college friend. It wasn’t like Nathan was choosing isolation by not choosing Gavin, or that Gavin was his only chance to be happy.</p><p>Gavin, who was easier to talk to than anyone he’d met in a while. Who seemed genuinely curious and thoughtful. Who cooked and was smart and empathetic, even if he struggled to make the right relationship decisions. But who didn’t, really?</p><p>Gavin, who was cute and clearly badly wanted a soulmate to spend time with. Who seemed to enjoy Nathan’s company, got along with Cliff, listened to Nathan’s rambling…</p><p>Nathan sighed and ran a hand through his hair.</p><p>Was it pity? Was it the beginnings of what might someday be affection? Was it him mistaking that odd pull in his heart for something more? What if he went along with it, got Gavin’s hopes up even more, only for them both to realize just how poorly they got along, and for Nathan to leave, making Gavin even <em>more</em> hurt once they knew each other, rather than their being sort of strangers still, when a break would be far easier on them both?</p><p>Something in his chest hurt at the thought. At the thought of hurting <em>Gavin</em>.</p><p>Cliff walked over and leaned his head against Nathan’s leg. Nathan lightly rubbed his forehead.</p><p>…No, they weren’t strangers anymore. No break would be easy.</p><p>“Oh, Cliff,” Nathan said, quietly, looking at the dog. “What am I going to do?”</p><hr/><p>Rumor settled by Gavin’s side and purred as loud as she’d ever purred.</p><p>Gavin thought he’d cried himself out for life every time he cried lately. But it seemed there was always more to go. He stared out the window, listening to the rain, seeing the occasional car light flash by in the dark.</p><p>He’d turned on some relaxing music after Nathan left, and just cleaned the whole apartment again. When he was done, he lay on the bed, staring out the window, until it got dark.</p><p>Why was he surprised? He’d started life being unwanted, gone through life being unwanted, of <em>course</em> his soulmate would be some version of being <em>unwanted</em>. It would be a deviation from the norm, otherwise.</p><p>He didn’t know how people did this. Just met and what, suddenly everything made sense? Suddenly you’d just fall for a stranger?</p><p>He <em>did</em> feel a pull, each time they were together. It wasn’t just that Nathan was attractive or smooth or had this adorable contented smile sometimes or was really smart… There was something <em>drawing</em> him to Nathan. But if it was <em>just</em> the soulmate thing… how did you build a relationship off of that? It was almost painful, if that was all there was. Did people just pretend it was something more? His father and stepmother had been proof that soulmates didn’t always work out. Who was to say that Gavin and Nathan <em>would</em>?</p><p>Perhaps… it would be better… if he just said Nathan could just… go. That he didn’t have to stay.</p><p>It hit something deep in his heart, and made his chest feel tight.</p><p>But maybe he should. If Nathan didn’t want a soulmate, still, and had only talked to Gavin out of obligation to Connor, through gritted teeth…</p><p>Would it be weird to give his <em>permission</em>? Nathan was a grown man, they weren’t in a <em>relationship</em>, even though they were soulmates. Nathan was under no obligation to obey Gavin’s whims.</p><p>He’d typed up a few notes about it. Well, several. But every time he started, he just started crying more, so he had to stop.</p><p>It was all he ever wanted. Well… there were other things. Rumor to be safe. A job he enjoyed., where he could help people somehow, and maybe show off that he was worth something, too, even if he wasn’t <em>brilliant</em>, like Eli. And he had that.</p><p>A place he could call home, which, well… The apartment was comfortable, and he’d get around to getting a bigger place for Rumor, sometime.</p><p>Friends. And he had those. If anything, recent days had shown him he had those.</p><p>And… a partner who loved him. Self-love could fuck off, he just wanted someone who loved <em>him</em>. Eli wasn’t the same, Amanda wasn’t the same, even Tina wasn’t the same. They all had their own lives, and Tina and Eli both had soulmates. Even his <em>father</em> had a soulmate. The man who hadn’t given a single shit about one of his sons until the state had stepped in and required him to. Who hadn’t protected Gavin from his own or his wife’s abuse, and who had provided the barest minimum of support a parent should, mostly by accident of having a big house that contained a lot of bedrooms.</p><p>If Howard Kamski could have a soulmate, why couldn’t Gavin have a soulmate? At least… why couldn’t Gavin <em>keep</em> his soulmate?</p><p><em>Because you’re a better person than he is. You know when to let someone go who doesn’t want to be there.</em> He’d seen firsthand what people stuck living together when they didn’t want to be was like. Oh, there were moments where it was clear his father and stepmother just <em>clicked</em> on some level. Maybe they were even affectionate when he wasn’t around. But it was miserable, and it had left him growing up on edge and paranoid.</p><p>Clinging to a relationship that wasn’t terrible – but wasn’t really good, either – until it became <em>toxic</em>, wasn’t right.</p><p>And good grief, after Kyle… A relationship built on desperation wasn’t a relationship. It was a bomb waiting to go off.</p><p>But that was the world he was going back to without his soulmate. A world of people who didn’t have someone else, but still needed companionship. Gavin knew he shouldn’t be judgmental about it, but there was a selfish part of him that knew without a soulmate, he’d never find someone who actually wanted to spend time with him. He wasn’t fun to be around like Tina, Chris, or Connor. He wasn’t brilliant like Hank.</p><p>
  <em>I’m 37 and no one will ever love me like that and that’s no different than it was yesterday.</em>
</p><p>Gavin buried his face in his pillow for a moment, swallowed, then grabbed his phone. Best to do it now, make a clean cut. He could sleep on it and just spend tomorrow angsting over it, or put it off and put it off and put it off until Nathan <em>really</em> hated him… Or just… do it.</p><p>“Thanks for going out with me,” Gavin typed. “I had a great time. You’re amazing, but maybe it’s best we just call it quits. I don’t want to hurt you. Thanks again.”</p><p>Then Gavin put his phone on airplane mode, set his alarm, turned on his sleep playlist, and shut his eyes, hoping he’d fall asleep.</p><hr/><p>Nathan was reminding himself why it was a bad idea to bite his gloves. He’d put them on after he realized his hand was in serious danger after he’d paced and paced and kept going after his nails.</p><p>He’d fallen asleep at some point the previous night and woken up to… to <em>that</em> message from Gavin. And when he tried calling – five times – he just went straight to voicemail. He didn’t know what to say, or text, so he said nothing. Just tried calling again.</p><p>“He didn’t come into work today,” Connor said over the phone. “But he’s got the day off, so…”</p><p>Nathan had of course called Connor to ask for advice. Nathan didn’t know if he should just… go back to Gavin’s place to try and talk to him, which might be considered stalking or harassment, or go to Jericho Paws, where he’d at least have the excuse of visiting his brother, or if he should just keep calling. Maybe write something in text.</p><p>Nathan had called out for the day, knowing he’d be useless. He’d make it up, later. He never used sick days when he should, anyway.</p><p>“You can just go to his place,” Connor suggested. “I think he’d understand.”</p><p>“What if he calls the police?”</p><p>“Then you leave and… take it from there.”</p><p>Nathan went back to pacing.</p><p>“So, you… want to be with him?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Nathan cried, scrabbling at his hair. “I don’t fucking know! But I know this isn’t… this isn’t right. And it doesn’t make sense.” He sat down and stared at the floor. “We had <em>something</em>, I think. Not just the soulmark crap. Spending time with him was nice.” Moments weren’t forever, but that didn’t mean Nathan wasn’t… willing to give more a shot. “He’s good-looking. He has a decent taste in movies and books, if looking around his place was any indication. His Companion is nice, and he seems to like Cliff well enough, now that they know each other. And I like that he cooks.”</p><p>“Oh he <em>cooks</em>, huh?”</p><p>“Fuck off. I’m trying to convince myself into this.”</p><p>“You do realize that’s probably not what Gavin wants, right? He’s giving you your out.”</p><p>“I fucking know that, okay?” And it was… considerate of him. Far more considerate than Nathan had ever thought he’d see. <em>If you love it, let it go, indeed.</em> “But I don’t want it to end like this. I want… I think we deserve a shot, you know? Moving here was a big change for me, and it’s not like I wanted to be… alone, entirely. Just… gradually getting together would be nice. Not just breaking it off because I have reservations.”</p><p>“You should tell him that.”</p><p>“I will!” Nathan swallowed and rubbed his hair. “I will… at some point. It’s just not easy, you know?”</p><p>“I never thought it was easy. Certainly, after how long it took me to talk to Hank, I never thought it was easy.”</p><p>“I spent so long throwing my life into disarray for someone else with my old job, I just… It’s hard to do it <em>again</em>.”</p><p>“Your soulmate isn’t meant to be a burden. They’re supposed to be your partner. You can always talk to Gavin. Set boundaries. Go slow.”</p><p>“I know. And I want… I want to be around him. I like… being around him.” Nathan’s cheeks warmed. “Even if I’m terrible and he’ll see that, soon enough, and not want to be around me, anymore.”</p><p>“You’re not terrible, Nathan.”</p><p>Nathan snorted. “You’re biased and so your opinion can’t be trusted.”</p><p>“I don’t know, as your brother I think I already have a more abysmal opinion of you than anyone else, so the fact that I have a high opinion of you somehow is a miracle and speaks to your character.”</p><p>Nathan rolled his eyes.</p><p>“I can’t say what a terrible person might or might not do, but I don’t think someone who knows another person is hurting and refuses to look away is a terrible person.”</p><p>Nathan snorted. “Romantic.”</p><p>“Pessimist.”</p><p>Cliff whined, and Nathan realized he needed to go for a walk. “I’m going to take Cliff walking. Maybe that’ll settle my brain a bit.”</p><p>“Okay. Don’t do anything crazy, all right?”</p><p>“…Yeah. Yeah.”</p><hr/><p>“You’re lucky I adore you,” Gavin said as he walked along behind Rumor down the path. He’d gone back to park, feeling directionless and isolated in the apartment. He realized he hadn’t taken Rumor out in a while. She was walking happily along, occasionally sniffing the grass, but seemingly quite interested in just <em>walking.</em></p><p>“Jeez, Ru, slow the fuck down.” He had to jog a little just to keep up. He was happy she was so excited, though. Being kept at the apartment all the time clearly wasn’t dampening her spirit.</p><p>He’d wonder what happened to Companions whose partners never ended up with their soulmates, if he hadn’t had Kyle as an example. Certainly Kyle’s Companion seemed just fine. And all studies on the subject seemed to indicate that was the case.</p><p>It was the humans who struggled.</p><p>Of course he was multi-tasking when he realized Ru was walking right towards someone’s legs.</p><p>“Ru!” Gavin’s arm snapped forward and he half stumbled.</p><p>The other walker caught him before he fell.</p><p>“Gavin?”</p><p>Gavin blinked and looked up.</p><p>Of course, <em>Nathan</em> was staring down at him, surprised. Of fucking course. Gavin hadn’t thought much about how Nathan also used the park. He’d assumed Nathan was working, anyway. They wouldn’t be able to run into each other, surely.</p><p>Of course not, with his shit luck.</p><p>Nathan abruptly bucked forward and looked down, glaring. “Cliff!”</p><p>Gavin looked as well and nearly knocked them both over.</p><p>Rumor had wrapped her leash around Nathan’s legs, then walked back around Gavin’s. Cliff seemingly had the same idea in reverse, leaving the pair trapped.</p><p>“…Did they plan this?” Nathan murmured, looking at them both.</p><p>“Companions are smarter than regular animals,” Gavin commented, thoughtfully. He glared at Ru, who was seated on the ground by his right foot. “You think this is funny, huh? You’re not getting any treats when we go home.”</p><p>She merely watched him, like a fucking cat.</p><p>“You didn’t respond to my calls,” Nathan said.</p><p>Gavin blinked, swallowed and looked up. Fuck, Nathan seemed even taller like this.</p><p>He had no idea what to say. Being literally shoved in the guy’s face made everything he could think of come crashing to a painful halt. Then he half-stumbled some more and glared. “Look, much as this is all dramatic and whatever, I’m very afraid of knocking us over and breaking my ankle or something. …Cliff runs off right? I’ll disconnect Ru’s…”</p><p>He blanched. He wasn’t that worried about Ru running off. She’d never done it before. …But what if she did? Clearly she was smart enough to do <em>this</em> stuff. And yeah, there weren’t any cars nearby, but she was fast. She could dart into traffic, or—</p><p>“Gavin. <em>Gavin</em>.” Nathan cupped a hand around his cheek and Gavin blinked up at him. “Relax.”</p><p>“…What?”</p><p>“You have this particular way of zoning out when you’re thinking of something bad.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “You don’t even know me.” It was petulant and he knew it.</p><p>“I know a lot, just from talking to you a lot lately. And… I’d like to know more.”</p><p>“…No, you don’t.”</p><p>Nathan raised an eyebrow. “Are you dictating my feelings to me, now?”</p><p>Gavin flushed and looked away. “No one wants to get to know me. And <em>you</em> don’t want a soulmate.”</p><p>Nathan sighed. “I spoke… badly. I’m not a conversationalist. I said before that you’re easy to talk to. And maybe we’re just starting… whatever this is, but we could go somewhere with it, maybe, if we give it a chance.”</p><p>“I don’t want… you to feel like you have to stick around just because… because of obligation or something.”</p><p>“I don’t feel like that. It’s not nothing that you’re the first person I’ve talked about moving with, really. Not even my mother or my brother. And definitely not anyone at work. That’s… that’s something. And you’re funny, when you’re not nervous. And sweet. And you have good taste in food, and I like your friends. And you’re smart. And attractive. And thoughtful.”</p><p>Gavin snorted at that.</p><p>“You are. You sent me that text message because you were thinking of me. You thought I’d… what… be happier <em>without</em> my soulmate?”</p><p>“…Yeah.”</p><p>“And I get that, Gavin, and I appreciate that you were thinking of me. But it’s not what I wanted. I’m new to this, too, and maybe I have no right after the way I treated you, maybe that text you sent me was my just desserts, maybe things’ll change, but it made me realize that I want… to give <em>us</em> a shot.”</p><p>Gavin swallowed.</p><p>“Maybe we’ll have days or months or barely enough time, who knows. But I want to try. Do <em>you</em> want that, Gavin?”</p><p>Nathan’s hand was warm on Gavin’s back, his arms strong and supportive. Gavin wished he was stronger, but he kind of wanted to lean into Nathan forever, bond or no.</p><p>“…Yeah, Nathan. I… I really do.” He cringed away as much as possible without knocking them over, which wasn’t much. “…I wish I wasn’t this selfish.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “It’s not selfish to want to be with someone. It’s actually rather flattering that you want to be with <em>me</em>.”</p><p>“Who wouldn’t want to be with you?”</p><p>Nathan flushed, and Gavin stared, amazed <em>he’d</em> somehow done that.</p><p>“What? What’d I say?”</p><p>“…You ridiculous man.” Nathan leaned forward and lightly kissed him on the forehead, and now <em>Gavin</em> was bright red. Nathan’s lips were soft. “Wondering why I want to spend time with you, get to know you better, when you go and say things like <em>that</em>.”</p><p>Gavin guffawed. “Well… yeah, I have no comeback to that.”</p><p>Nathan lightly carded his hair and Gavin sighed at the feeling.</p><p>“As long as you don’t send me any texts like that again and answer my calls.”</p><p>“…Yeah. Sorry. I just…”</p><p>“I know.” Nathan lightly brushed a hand over Gavin’s cheek.</p><p>“You keep touching me like this and you could make me do anything, I’m just saying.”</p><p>“You really like me, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah, dumbass, I really do. You listen and you’re hot and interesting and…” Gavin swallowed. “I want to get to know you better. Really.”</p><p>“Then let’s not… stop seeing each other? Let’s give this a chance.”</p><p>“…Okay.”</p><p>“Good.” Nathan swallowed. “Good.”</p><p> Gavin cleared his throat. “Not to like… break the moment or whatever, but I think I’m losing feeling in my legs, standing like this.”</p><p>Nathan laughed. “All right. Let’s extricate ourselves, shall we?”</p>
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